Too Much Too Soon

September 25, 2024

The support I’m receiving from those in my online Facebook group, “Grieving Parents Leaning On Each Other” has been wonderful, so I thought I would try to get some outside in person support as well.

I pulled out the booklet I received from the Prosecutors office a couple weeks after John’s murder, and saw it lists several support groups for grief. The group, ‘Parents of Murdered Children’ caught my eye so I thought I would give them a try.

I sent an email to the coordinator for more information and received a quick reply. I was told the group meets on the last Wednesday of each month and I’m more than welcome to attend tonight. Today just so happens to be “National Day of Remembrance for Murdered Victims’ so I could bring a picture of John with me if I wanted.  I grabbed my favorite picture and headed out the door.

When I arrived, I was welcomed with open arms, and everyone was so nice. The problem is, I was very emotional and felt so uncomfortable, not because of those in attendance, but because of me.

The pain is still too deep

Since today is ‘National Day of Remembrance for Murdered Victims’, we were asked to place the pictures of our loved ones on the table and when the time came, we should go up to the picture, say their name and light a candle.

When it was my turn, I went to the table, lit John’s candle, whispered his name and quickly sat down.

I cried so hard; I couldn’t speak for the rest of the night.

When it was over, I grabbed John’s picture from the table and practically ran out the door. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

On the way home I had to pull over a few times because I couldn’t stop crying.

When I walked in the door, Ronnie asked “So, how did it go.”

“Overwhelming and way too much” I said.

He hugged me and said he was sorry.

After the embrace, I went upstairs, washed my face, got in bed and cried myself to sleep.

It was definitely too much too soon.