September 18, 2024

It angers me to no end what has been taken from us, especially from my adorable granddaughter who has lost her father.

I saw this poem on my Facebook timeline, and it brought comfort to me.

While my granddaughter, Kammy, has the most amazing mom and I thank God for her every day, I have to remember John is always watching over his beautiful daughter no matter where he is.

A Father’s Watchful Eye

From heaven’s gate, I see you grow,

With every step, my heart does glow.

Though distance keeps us far apart,

You’re always here within my heart.

I watch you laugh, I see you cry,

In every tear, I’m standing by.

Your joys, your pains, I feel them too,

For every moment, I’m with you.

The stars at night, they shine so bright,

A father’s love, a guiding light.

In dreams, I whisper soft and clear,

“My darling girl, I’m always near.”

So live your life with courage bold,

And know my love will never fold.

From heaven’s height, I watch with pride,

My precious daughter, my heart’s guide.

September 11, 2024

I’m very grateful for those who have expressed their condolences and continue to check on me. There have also been many that don’t contact me at all.

I received a text from my niece apologizing for not reaching out to me.

I told her, “That’s okay.”

She went on to explain the reason why is because she doesn’t know what to say.

I thanked her for being honest and assured her I understood. “It’s a very difficult topic to approach.”

You see, death alone is hard to discuss. The loss of a child is even harder. But when your child dies as a result of murder, people really don’t know what to say.

They look at me awkwardly and some even look away.

I don’t take offense. People sometimes just don’t know what to say so rather than say something wrong, they don’t say anything at all and that’s okay. What I need is to find somewhere to go where there are parents just like me. Parents who understand the pain I feel and are able to talk about it without the awkwardness that comes along with this topic. At this point, it doesn’t have to be parents who have lost their child to murder. I just want to find somewhere that has parents who have lost a child, period.

No sooner had I thought this, than my prayer was answered.

I frequent the social media platform, X, and was invited by a wonderful, spunky, kindhearted woman named Kaye Steinsapir, to join her private Facebook Group called, Grieving Parents Leaning on Each Other. I joined the group and with my first post I have had such wonderful responses. These parents get it, and it feels so good to communicate with people who know and understand my pain.

Kaye tragically lost her 12-year-old daughter, Molly, due to a bicycle accident in February 2021. She understands my pain and lovingly donated to my GoFundMe which helped me lay John to rest.

This is my first step in reaching out to others for help as I continue to travel on my grief journey and this group is providing the support I desperately need.

If you’ve lost a child, I encourage you to join Grieving Parents Leaning on Each Other on Facebook. Everything shared in the group is strictly confidential.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/3566953590199812

Kaye has founded a non-profit organization in honor of her beautiful daughter Molly; The Molly Steinsapir Foundation. The Foundation’s purpose is to advance charitable causes that Molly cared deeply about including, among other things, children, animals, and the environment.

Donations are welcome

https://mollysteinsapir.com/pages/about-the-foundation

Have you found support for your grief?

Visiting Mom

September 6, 2024

I’m beginning to sleep a little better but still head to bed late at night only to toss and turn before finally drifting off to sleep.

John is constantly on my mind but when I woke up today, I couldn’t stop thinking about both John and my mom.

I made a little breakfast and continued to think about them. I had a strong feeling I needed to pay them a little visit today. It will be the first time visiting John’s grave since his burial on August 8^th, so I thought to myself, “I can do this. It’s time to sit with John today and stop by to say hi to mommy while I’m there.”

I wanted to get there a little early because it was going to be another hot day. I think it only rained a few times in the past three months, so the grass everywhere outside looks like straw.

After getting dressed I headed to Glen Rest but stopped by Kroger to purchase a few flowers. I cannot go there empty handed, especially to visit my mom.

My mother, Viola, passed away from colon cancer in 1999 at the age of 64. It took us all by surprise because she was so healthy and by the time they discovered it, it had progressed to the advanced stage. I moved into her house to take care of her when the doctor gave us the terminal diagnosis and held her hand when she drew her last breath.

Every child believes they have the best mother in the world, but I genuinely believe I had the best. Mommy was everything to me. She was a kind, caring, and loving woman who radiated positivity. She had a passion for gardening and won several awards in neighborhood contests for the best landscaped yard. Tending to her flower garden brought her immense joy, and she often said it made her feel closer to God. My older brother, Greg, lived with her for a short while after I married and moved into my own place. Whenever I would call her, and if she were out in her garden, he would say “Hold on, Let me get her. Mom’s outside, playing in the dirt, again.”

That still makes me laugh to this day.

So, I never go to visit Mommy’s grave without bringing flowers to place in her vase.

I arrived at the store, and it took me a while to pick out the right flowers. I have the hardest time making decisions like this. The longer I stood there, the more confused I became and just decided to get a mixture of flowers that wasn’t very expensive. Mommy was also known as “Bargain Betty” and she passed it down to me. 

Picking flowers for John wasn’t that difficult. He was a man and not into flowers at all. Plus, his permanent grave marker, which contains a vase, hasn’t been installed yet, so I don’t really have a place to put his flowers. I’ll just prop them up on the temporary marker.

I wanted red carnations, but they didn’t have any, so I ended up finding a small bouquet that appeared to be a light orange in color. There were plenty of pink carnations, but I immediately heard in my head,

“Don’t get me no pink carnations, mom” so I walked right on by them and went to check out.

I arrived at Glen Rest around 10:30 am which is a decent time to still catch a little coolness before the heat turns up after noon.

Mommy’s grave is in the front area of the cemetery, so it made sense to visit her first.

As I approached her grave, I noticed how brown the grass was everywhere, including around her marker. I immediately thought, “I know mommy doesn’t like this one bit. It should be a luscious green.”  

I paused, bent down, and pulled out the vase in her marker. I then placed her flowers neatly inside, sat down and said,

“Hi, Mommy. I made it.”

I wiped my eyes and spoke from my heart. While I know she’s aware of how I lost John, I told her anyway. I shared stories about my adorable granddaughter and what she’s been up to these days. I continued on about Greg, Andrew and the additional great-grandchildren she has now. They truly missed out on knowing her.

“Mommy, I miss you so much,” I sobbed.

“Why can’t you still be here to help me through all this mess?” I asked as tears streamed down my face.

I ended our conversation with an apology for not visiting her more often but assured her that would change now that John is here. I kissed my fingers, touched her grave, and said, “I love you, Mommy. Please keep taking care of John until I get there.”

That wasn’t so bad but of course, I didn’t expect it to be since I’ve been visiting mommy’s grave off and on for the past 25 years.

Visiting John is going to be much harder.

Visiting John For The First Time

September 6, 2024

I returned to my car and sat there for a minute. As I looked up and stared at the sky, I thought, “It’s a beautiful blue today”

I sat there a little longer, procrastinating.

I looked at John’s flowers lying in the passenger seat and said, “I really don’t want to do this.” But the voice in my head said, “You have to, you’re already here”

So, I put the gear in drive and began to head down the winding road leading to the back of the cemetery where John is laid to rest.  I passed by the pond on the grounds, noticed a few ducks swimming around in small circles and thought,

“I’m so glad John is buried here.”

When I arrived at the back of the cemetery, it took me a moment to remember where John is buried. I knew it was the first plot to the right of the road but, which one?  I then noticed the temporary Grave Marker sticking out of the ground with his name on it and said, “There you are.” 

I’m so happy the funeral home included a temporary marker for him because when I stopped and was getting out of the car, I noticed there were several other new graves around that didn’t have any identification as to who was buried there.

I got my lawn chair out of the trunk because I planned on sitting with John for a while.

As I approached his grave, I noticed the grave right above his is of a young man not much younger than John who passed away just a year before he did. Engraved on his marker to the left of his name, is the picture of a car and to the right, the image of a hockey player which made me think, “I’m glad John has a buddy so close to him that loves cars too. I can only imagine the conversations they’re having.”

Tears immediately start flowing when I sat down at his grave and said,

“Hi son, I’m here.”

I must have cried for 30 minutes straight as I sat in silence just looking at his name on that marker.

I still can’t believe he’s here.

As time went by, I found myself rambling about everything that had happened since he was gone. I told him I missed him a thousand times and that I loved him even more. I completely forgot about the flowers, so I went to my car to get them. On my way back, I noticed a mother duck and her ducklings walking toward his grave, which made me cry even harder.

Things are so out of order.

John should still be here with me.

John Visits Me

September 2, 2024

John visited me in my dreams last night!  

This was his first visit.

There were no words spoken, just a smile and a wave. His smile was much bigger and brighter than I’ve ever seen before. He was letting me know he’s near and he’s okay.

What I remember most besides his beautiful smile is the look in his eyes, they danced with joy.

I reached out to hug him, but he went away.

It’s okay, I know he’ll visit again. Maybe, next time, he’ll sit down and stay for a while.

He knows I think of him every day and I’m so grateful he let me know he’s doing okay.

The picture above is exactly what he looked like in my dream minus the backpack, he looked so happy.

My adorable little John.

I can’t wait to see you again!

“So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love”.  ~1 Corinthians 13:13

August 30, 2024

It’s been a little over one month since my John was so tragically and suddenly taken away from us. One month of tears, one month of heartache and one month of pain that just never seems to go away.

I’m so angry about what happened to John. But I still thank God for all the love I’ve received from so many.

I’ve said this before. I’ll say it again. I firmly believe our loved ones who pass away send messages to us. We must be open to receiving them.

John sent me a wonderful message today that turned my tears of sorrow into tears of joy.

It’s been a very rough day. I went to the grocery store, which I never like to do. I needed to pick up a bag of potatoes for dinner tonight.

On the way home, the song “Missing You’ sung by Brandy and Tamia came on the radio. Of course, that immediately made me think of John and the tears just wouldn’t stop.

I walked in the door with my bag of potatoes and Ronnie gave me a hug. Usually that would help me stop crying but for some reason it only made me cry even more. He’s so understanding and told me not to worry about fixing dinner.

“We could order out tonight” he said.

I shook my head no and said, “I already went to the grocery store so I may as well go ahead and make dinner.”

I took the bag of potatoes over to the sink, wiped my eyes and washed my hands. Still thinking of John, I whispered “I love you and miss you so much.”

When I reached into the bag and pulled out the first potato to wash, I started crying even harder.

Ronnie looked at me.

I looked at him.

I then lifted my hand and showed him my message of love from John.

Just when I needed it most.

MJ Family L.O.V.E.

I’m a huge Michael Jackson fan. I’ve been a fan since the Jackson 5 first came on the scene in 1969. I’ll continue to be until the day I die.

The Moonwalkers are an amazing group of Michael Jackson fans from all over the world. We continue to share not only a love for Michael, and his music, but also his message of L.O.V.E.

My fellow Moonwalkers have been so supportive since John was murdered. They not only showed support by donating to my GoFundMe which helped lay my son to rest, but also send encouraging messages and check to see how I’m doing.

They have also sent me presents wrapped in L.O.V.E. I have to take a minute to show how much they love me!

Ron Pia and the We Are The World Facebook Group

Ron is an amazingly dedicated Michael Jackson fan and does wonderful things for the fan community. He’s the creator of the Michael Jackson – We Are The World Facebook Group (https://www.facebook.com/groups/275858221000987/).

Every year on Michael’s birthday, Ron makes a trip to Forest Lawn Cemetery in Glendale CA where Michael is buried to deliver individual flowers from Moonwalkers all over the world. He places them outside Michael’s window which is located in the Holly Terrace Mausoleum.

This year, he not only brought birthday flowers to Michael but also included special roses and a sunflower to honor John.

He then placed John’s flowers with all the others under Michael’s window.

MJ LOVE From Belgium

The beautiful Chrystal Lee is another member of the Michael Jackson We Are The World Facebook Group, who lives in Antwerp Belgium. Chrystal has kept in constant contact with me via Facebook since the loss of my beloved son. She sent me another love package which left me speechless and brought me to tears.

Inside the card that bears the Madonna with child on the front reads:

Dear Shari,

I think of you every day and hope you can feel comfort in the idea that the MJ family is always here for you.

I send you my love and strength.

Chrystal Lee

In addition to the beautiful cards, and MJ contents, the package contained several items that have blessed my soul and brought some comfort to my broken heart:

1. A crucifix made out of wood from Bethlehem, blessed by the highest priest of Our Lady Cathedral located in Antwerp Belgium, in John’s name and his memory.
2. A Kathedral guide and incense of their holy Virgin to keep me in a blessed state of mind. The incense truly smells divine
3. A beautiful angel and butterfly handmade by nuns (both are my favs) and love hearts, which were all also blessed, and symbolize my eternal connection to John
4. Some MJ items including two beautiful wooden pictures of Michael Jackson.

As I was looking at all the beautiful contents from the package, Michael Jackson’s favorite song “Smile” started playing on my phone.

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it’s breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You’ll get by

If you smile with your fear and sorrow
Smile, and maybe tomorrow
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.”

I sighed and said, “I’m trying to Michael, but it’s just so damn hard. I miss my son.”

Moonwalkers Stationhead Love

Next is my Moonwalkers Stationhead Family. The Moonwalkers Stationhead Channel is a radio show on the Stationhead platform that features Michael Jackson music and live broadcasts. 

Lead by DJ’s Jennifer Jackson, Raye Schmidt, Aquarius_Future and the late, great Melanie Freeman, this station is a positive and loving place to go when you want to listen to the King of Pops timeless music.

I was, again, surprised to receive a box of L.O.V.E. from my Moonwalkers Stationhead family and I appreciate everything so much, especially the book, Parents’ Grief, Daily Meditations for Healing After the Death of a Child.

If you have a premium Apple/Spotify account, I invite you to join us on the Moonwalkers Stationhead channel for great music and great conversation by clicking the link below

https://www.stationhead.com/c/moonwalkers

MJ Love From Lena

I met Lena in The Michael Jackson Book Club on Facebook, of which I’m an Administrator (https://www.facebook.com/groups/mjbookclub)

Lena has a deep and passionate love for Michael, which is truly endearing. Recently, she took a trip to California to visit several places associated with Michael Jackson, including Neverland Ranch, where he lived and found joy for many years. Knowing how I’ve been struggling with the loss of my son and my own love for Michael, she decided to pick a few wildflowers growing outside the gates of Neverland. She then sent me a resin necklace made with those flowers, so I will always have a piece of Michael and Neverland with me.

MJ Love From The UK

My dear friend Dee, from Michael Jacksons Legacy (MJL), of which I’m also a part of, planted a tree in John’s memory.

Michael Jacksons Legacy is a charitable organization that continues Michael Jackson’s humanitarian work.

MJL has been in operation since 2011, and is still going strong, but welcomes donations to continue their mission by focusing on issues that Michael cared deeply about, such as children’s welfare, environmental protection, and ending unnecessary suffering. 

Welcome to Michael Jackson’s Legacy

Heal LA Love

Last but certainly not least is the love I received from the non-profit organization Heal Los Angeles Foundation, founded by the King of Pop’s son, Prince Jackson and John Muto.

Just when I think I have no more tears left to cry, my MJ Family seems to squeeze more out of me. This Heal LA care package, along with a beautiful card with a very touching message, arrived after Prince Jackson and John Muto heard about John’s murder.

This is why I’m proud to be a Michael Jackson fan. Michael was taught principles and values from his mother. He then passed down principles and values to his children. Among them were: Take time to heal the world by touching those in need with L.O.V.E

Their acts of kindness have proven they listened to their father and I’m so grateful.

I encourage everyone to support Prince and John’s charitable organization Heal Los Angeles Foundation because as you can see, they truly care about healing the world and making it a better place.

Home

John knew all about my love and dedication to Michael Jackson and I’m sure he’s happy to see all the love my Moonwalker family is giving me in my time of need.

I thank each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart.

Do you have a special group of people outside of your family that have helped you feel better while grieving? Who are they and what did they do?

August 26,2024

Commander Moore met with us today. It’s been eleven years since we last saw him but honestly, he hasn’t changed one bit. He’s still the warm hearted, stern yet encouraging man we remembered him to be when he was John’s teacher so many years ago.

Commander Moore was kind enough to give us a few pictures taken of John at Columbus Downtown High School when he was a student and two t-shirts from the program as well.

Looking at these pictures brought back so many great memories. It was a time when John was beginning to find his path in life, and a time when we were watching him grow from a boy into a man.

These pictures will always hold a special place in my heart.

“John will always be remembered by our program. He is still FirstAndFinest4Life” ~ Commander John Moore

As I was posting about our visit to Columbus Downtown High School on Facebook, the following post came across my timeline from John’s employer Highland Protection LLC:

John, “One Team, One Fight. You’re gonna be missed”

That post brought tears to my eyes.

As you can see, John was born with protection on his mind. It was in him from the very beginning when he would line up Gi-Joes all around his bedroom at night to protect him while he slept. It continued on into his teenage years when he enrolled in the Law Enforcement program at CDHS and became a City of Columbus Police Explorer, riding along with the police to keep our communities safe.

The post from Highland Protection shows this mindset stayed with him until the day he died.

I wish John would have been able to protect himself that night. I’m sure he did the best he could, but he didn’t have a chance when his killer had a gun and all he had were his legs when he tried to run.

As I’m writing this, I’m trying to find solace in knowing that he’s now watching over us from heaven and I’m sure he’s protecting us from above. But I must be honest, as nice that sounds, I’d rather have him down here with me.

I love you, John.

A Call From The Commander

August 25, 2024

I returned home from church today just in time to receive an unexpected phone call from Commander John Moore at Columbus Downtown High School (CDHS).

He watched the news last night and was saddened by John’s tragic passing during our candlelight vigil.

Commander Moore was John’s teacher in the Columbus Public Safety Law Enforcement Program when John attended the school in 2014. John loved the Law Enforcement Program and Commander Moore was one of his favorite teachers.

During our conversation he shared some memories of John. He remembers John as a fine young man and one of his best students. Because of this, he asked if we could bring a picture of John to the school.

I wasn’t sure why he wanted a picture, but he promptly clarified before I could ask. He explained, “John’s exemplary character serves as a model for all current and future students. We would like to honor him by hanging his picture on the wall of CDHS.”

Of course, I said, “Yes”.

What an honor this is, especially for John, who always expressed the desire to be remembered as a positive role model. I’m so proud of him.

I know he’s smiling down from Heaven!

We talked for a few more minutes and made plans to meet him at school tomorrow during lunch to drop off John’s picture.

August 24, 2024

Today was our candlelight vigil for John.

For the first time in weeks, I had a good night’s sleep. I went to bed early, woke up at 10 am, and felt well-rested. It was beautiful outside. The sun was shining brightly, and the birds were singing. I rolled over and said, “Thank you, Lord.”

I decided to hop in the shower. The warm water felt good as I stood under it with my eyes closed. My thoughts always return to one thing…John. What would he have eaten for breakfast today? What would he be doing this afternoon? Would he be playing video games? Would he drive around like Sanford and Son, collecting items on the side of the road to pawn and then grab a pizza on his way home?

Tears started flowing with the water hitting my face. I miss my son.

Getting out of the shower, I turned my thoughts back to me. Maybe I’ll eat some breakfast today. I went downstairs to the kitchen where Cindy was making herself a cup of coffee and I tried to eat a bagel with cream cheese.

Nope.

My stomach was in knots. I kept thinking about the news being at the vigil tonight. There will be cameras recording every move. Highlights will be shown on the eleven o’clock news. Everyone in the community will see it and everyone will see me.

“I don’t want to be in the spotlight, Cindy”

“You’ll be fine. Remember this is for John. He’ll help you.”

I leaned back in my chair and thought about it, “You’re right. It’s not about me. It’s all about John. He’ll give me the strength I need.”

I redirected my attention to what needed to be done for the vigil and pulled out a piece of paper to make my list. Getting flowers for John’s grave was at the top. I want it to look as nice as possible. Tiffany’s mother was kind enough to offer to bring balloons to release for the family. I’m glad that’s one less thing I have to worry about.

Next on the list are the candles. They arrived yesterday and I realized I ordered way too many. I’m sure I’ll put them to use in the future for community events that I plan on attending. Each candle has to be placed in the holder and the wick needs to be trimmed which shouldn’t take long to do.

You can’t hold a vigil without pictures. Pictures of the victim serve as a visual reminder of the person’s life and why we gather to remember them. The world needs to see who we lost and love; the man who means the world to us.

John didn’t like taking pictures, so when choosing them, I tried to pick a few I think he would have liked. I selected a couple of pictures of him alone and a couple of pictures of John with me and his dad. Justice is making a collage containing pictures of her and John together, so I didn’t include any pictures of John with her. The last picture is the one that holds the most memorable image of all; the one of John cradling Kammy as a baby in his arms. I know he would like this one so this is the picture Kammy will be holding at the candlelight vigil tonight.

I placed everything on the table, paused, and stood there for a few minutes looking at the display. Tears welled up in my eyes and I began to cry.

Cindy hugged me and said, “Don’t worry, it’s going to be beautiful.”

We had a few hours before it was time to leave, so I took that time to try and relax by reading my daily devotion. It was going to be an emotional day. “Lord, please give me the strength to get through this vigil”, I prayed.

Heading To the Vigil

I’m an early bird and live by the motto my father preached growing up: Early is on time and on time is late! (RIP Daddy) I yelled upstairs to let Ronnie know I was ready. I said, “I refuse to be late to my son’s candlelight vigil”

A few minutes later Ronnie appeared downstairs and we headed out the door.

After picking up the flowers, we decided to go to a local restaurant and grab a bite to eat before the vigil. My brother, Greg, joined us which is always a treat in and of itself. Greg is extremely witty and looks so serious when he makes his outlandish statements. He talks about everything under the sun and more. I’m happy he tagged along because he always makes me laugh. Laughter is good for the soul.

The dinner conversation made me forget about being nervous.

We arrived at Glen Rest at 6:30, to lay a few flowers on John’s grave. As I was placing the flowers on his grave, Justice pulled up with her cousin. She was carrying a cardboard picture collage she had completed yesterday. The board contained many pictures that captured beautiful memories of her and John through the years. She placed it on the grave beside the flowers. It was perfect.

Soon, others started arriving with balloons, including my granddaughter, who jumped out of the car as soon as she saw me.

“MiMi!” she yelled and hugged me, looking just like her father. She truly is my heartbeat.

“Hey Buttercup” I said quietly as I hugged her back and kissed her forehead. I quickly wiped my eyes so she wouldn’t see me cry.

I began passing out candles when Channel 4 reporter, Brett Mills, arrived around 6:45 with his camera operator in tow. He greeted us with a handshake and a warm smile. Brett explained they would be off to the side filming the vigil and told us to act naturally like they weren’t there.

“Yeah right!” is what I thought, but instead, I said “Okay”

They stood off to the side for a few minutes surveying the action around them. After a few moments of observation, Brett walked over to us

“Can we interview you and your husband now, before the vigil begins?”

I took a deep breath and said “Yes.”

Here we go.

The interview wasn’t very long. I can’t remember everything I said but I do remember saying, “Put the guns down and walk away. Walk away. Don’t Kill. Don’t kill.” Part of that quote was used as the headline of our story.

After our interview, I forgot the camera was there. The emotions and love took over.

The Speech

Ronnie has always had a way with children. He gathered the children present, in a circle around him and asked what their plans were for the future.

They eagerly waved their hands and replied:

“I wanna be a lawyer”

” I’m going to be a doctor”

“An Astronaut”, my granddaughter said proudly.

” A Model”, her cousin Kay replied as she rearranged her stylish sunglasses to sit perfectly on her face.

“I love animals so I’m gonna be a Veterinarian” another cousin yelled.

Ronnie smiled and said, “Great answers! You can do anything you want in life when you believe in yourself. The key is to stay focused and stick to it. Don’t let anything or anyone distract you and make you do things against the law. Distractions like this can change the trajectory of your life, just like it did for the young man who took John away from us.”

The Balloon Release

Some guests then began to share memories of John and how he touched their lives. Thoughtful John. Funny John. Solemn John and all around good guy, John. There wasn’t a dry eye there.

This was followed by a moment of silence and the candles were lit. We recited the Lord’s Prayer and Psalm 23.  The tears would not stop flowing as I looked down at his grave and told him “I love you.”

 I still can’t believe he’s gone.

After the moment of silence, we released the balloons and filled the air with a million “I LOVE YOU JOHNS” which was followed by a tear-filled thank you to everyone who came.

It’s something I’ll never forget.

The News Story

We returned home from the vigil around 10pm and watched a little TV to help unwind from the emotional day. We then heard, “coming up, friends and family gathered together tonight to mourn the loss of a man who was killed in a shooting last month…” I immediately got a lump in my throat.

“Hear we go” I thought. “I hope I can handle this.”

The story aired and I watched with tears in my eyes. After it was over, I smiled as I said to my sister-mom,

“That wasn’t too bad. I’m glad they were there to capture everything we did in memory of John.”

She smiled back and said, “It was great!” I’m so proud of you.”

I will continue to be John’s voice.

His death will not be in vain.

Click the link below to watch our interview and read the news story:

‘Walk away, don’t kill:’ Family speaks out against gun violence at son’s vigil”

https://bit.ly/41vzyUQ

https://www.nbc4i.com/video/vigil-held-for-john-wilks/9983352

August 22, 2024

I received a text from NBC Channel 4 which took me by surprise. They covered the story of John’s murder, found out about our Candlelight Vigil and were interested in attending. They also wanted to record it to appear on the news.

As previously stated, I’m a behind the scenes type person and don’t like being put in the spotlight. I don’t like speaking in public so I wrestled with what to do.

My mind kept telling me, “This is not who you are. You hate being the center of attention, especially when it comes to public speaking.” But my heart reminded me, “This isn’t about you. This is for John. Remember, you are his voice now.”

My heart won.

I informed them about the Vigil details and confirmed our arrival at Glen Rest Cemetery at 6:30 PM. The vigil will begin at 7:00 PM.

Nervous doesn’t even begin to describe what I felt, but like clockwork, my sister-mom would arrive the day before the Vigil to attend and, as usual, calm my nerves.

August 20, 2024

Justice wants to do something special for her brother so she and my niece, Jalana, have been busy planning a candlelight vigil with balloon release for John. Jalana was very close to John ever since elementary school so I’m happy she’s able to help Justice organize the vigil.

When Justice let me know what she wanted to do for her brother, It warmed my heart. They were so close. I told her it’s a beautiful idea and I’m so proud of her for putting this together. All I have to do is show up, which is fine with me because to be honest, that’s just about all I can do at this point.

Meanwhile my heart continues to mend, and I continue to cry at some point on a daily basis.

I miss my son.

More than words can ever say.

If Tears Could Build A Stairway

If tears could build a stairway

And memories were a lane

I would walk right up to heaven

And bring you back again

No farewell words were spoken

No time to say goodbye

You were gone before I knew it

And only God knows why

My heart still aches with sadness

And secret tears still flow

What it meant to lose you

No one will ever know

But now I know you want me

To mourn for you no more

To remember all the happy times

Life still has much in store

Since you’ll never be forgotten

I pledge to you today

A hallowed place within my heart

Is where you’ll always stay

August 19, 2024

Today I received a letter from the Franklin County Forensic Science Center which starts out with:

“Please accept our deepest sympathy on the loss of your loved one John L. Wilks”

It went on to give instructions on how to submit a request for a copy of the Coroner’s report of John’s autopsy and stated the process to complete the Coroner’s report can take up to 6 months from the date of death, however, in most cases this process takes 3-4 months.

There were also instructions how to obtain a copy of John’s death certificate.

I folded the letter up and put it back in the envelope.

I’m not ready for this.

I’ll submit my request another day.

August 16, 2024

I made it out of bed today and ventured downstairs to the Living Room. As I was sitting on my couch looking at the dust that had formed on my coffee table, I thought to myself,

“I need to clean my house,” but quickly changed positions because I didn’t feel like doing it today.

Ronnie’s phone rang and he answered. I could hear what seemed to be a detailed conversation. Naturally, that piqued my curiosity, so I stood up and started walking toward the Family Room where he was, but he had ended the call and met me halfway as he was on his way to talk to me.

“Who was that on the phone?” I asked.

He smiled and said, “That was the Prosecutors office letting us know the person of interest has now been charged.”

“Oh really? Good. I want everyone related to this case to be held accountable for their actions, both seen and unseen.”

Although I know it won’t bring John back.

I just want justice for my son.

The only true victim is him.