This morning, I woke up on a wet pillow so I know I must have been crying in my sleep…again.
Today John would have been 29 years old.
Twenty-nine.
I can’t believe I’m typing “would have been”, let alone saying it.
This is so hard.
If I could stay in bed and cry all day, I would. But just as I have done so many times these past seven months, I cry, dab my eyes and get up to face another day.
Today I’m attending a birthday skating party for John, given by our daughter, Justice. I think that’s so sweet of her. Of course I’ll be there along with many others celebrating John’s day. There’s so much more I want to say about John and what I had hoped this birthday would bring, but if I do, I’ll be writing all day.
So, I’ll move on.
The Balloon Release
The weather last week was so beautiful. It was high in the sixties with the sun shining brightly every day. I decided to host a balloon release at John’s grave before heading over to the party today.
The balloon release was planned to start at 2 pm. I wanted to bring our portable speaker with us. I thought it would be nice to take song requests from those in attendance. If there was a song that reminded them of John or a favorite song of his, I would play it. We were going to have a mini celebration before the big one later today.
The party before the party would end with everyone releasing a balloon to Stevie Wonder’s “Happy Birthday” song. We would then dance and sing as loud as we possibly could. I wanted John and all of heaven to hear us.
But…Mother Nature had different plans.
Today the temperatures are in the mid-twenties with the wind chill well below that. It’s so cold outside! Needless to say, I let everyone know if they couldn’t make it to the balloon release, that’s totally fine. I’ll see them at the skating party later today.
This cold weather wasn’t going to stop the faithful few led by momma bear! I was determined to go to John’s grave and release those balloons no matter what on his special day.
You can’t stop love!
We arrived around 3 pm and was immediately met by the frigid winds which practically blew us away once we turned into the cemetery. Tiffany, Kammy and Tiffany’s mom, Cindy, hadn’t arrived yet. I got out of the car and headed to Johns grave to wrap a few helium balloons on his temporary marker. That wind was relentless! I wanted to snap a picture of the balloons, but the wind kept slamming them to the ground.
“Okay, not today”.
I went back to the car to wait for the others to arrive. My phone rang and Tiffany let me know they were here. When they pulled up behind us and parked, we exited our cars and stood at John’s grave. Helium filled balloons were batting us in the face left and right like a prizefighter. We held onto those strings for dear life to ensure the balloons weren’t released until the appointed time.
I planned to give a nice long speech about how much we miss John on this special day, but it was so cold. I decided to shorten my speech, thank the few who made it here and said,
“Happy Heavenly 29th Birthday John! We love and miss you. Everyone wishes you were still here. But since you’re not, we’ll celebrate for you! I hope you’re having an amazing birthday celebration up there.”
At the count of three, we released the balloons, screamed “Happy Birthday John!” and watched some fly up toward the heavens. There were also a few that got stuck in a tree. We all laughed as Ronnie retrieved the balloons in the tree.
“I can hear John laughing at us now”, I said and everyone agreed.
“WE LOVE YOU, JOHN!”
Justice was able to record everything. At the time of the balloon release, I noticed the wind switched directions. It calmed down considerably right when we released the balloons.
While looking at the video, I noticed the balloons I tied on John’s grave marker were standing straight up!
Even if it isn’t the greatest picture, I was able to get one after all.
I’ll take whatever I can get.
Thanks John.
*Be open to messages and actions from your loved ones on the other side*
The Skating Party
After the frigid balloon release, we headed to John’s skating party.
I hadn’t been to the skating rink in years. When I walked in and saw the disco ball hanging from the ceiling over the rink, I was immediately transported back to the 1970s and 80s. Going skating every Saturday was a ritual for me and my friends as children and teenagers. It was so much fun! That’s when there were designated parts in each skating session; backward skate, adult skate, Hokie Pokie and the highly anticipated “moonlight” skate. Moonlight skate is when the only light in the rink came from the spinning disco ball above it. The DJ would put on the latest popular slow songs heard on the radio to set the mood. That’s when your hands began sweating as you nervously waited for a cute boy to ask you to skate with him while holding his hand.
And when the skate was over, you hoped he would ask for your phone number.
Such great memories!
We were the first to arrive. Shortly after, other guests began streaming in. Several family members and friends couldn’t make it because they were sick, but overall, it was still a very nice turnout.
I’m always so emotional now. Half the time my mind is elsewhere, thinking about John, so getting pictures of everyone together was challenging. My sister-in-law usually captures spontaneous photos, but she was one of many who couldn’t come because she was sick. When I looked at the group picture, I noticed at least fifteen people missing who were there, but I reminded myself, that’s okay, the memories will last a lifetime.
My nephew, Andrew, knows a baker he calls the ‘Cake Lady’, so he volunteered to bring cupcakes for the celebration. She made the most delicious cupcakes I’ve ever tasted. She also inserted little pictures of John on toothpicks and placed them on the top of each cupcake. Once I saw them, I cried because it took me off guard. What a nice touch to that was!
The most emotional part, for me, was singing happy birthday to John. I brought a picture of John and sat it at the table in front of two balloons representing his age, twenty-nine. When everyone began singing, I grabbed the picture and held it close to my heart. Toward the middle of the song, I was overcome with emotions, so I pulled the picture up to cover my face. Everyone thought I did it so they could feel like they were singing to John, but that isn’t the reason why. I did it to hide all the tears streaming down my face.
Me and my nephew Andrew
Once they had finished singing and eating the cupcakes, the children went back to skating. I stepped back into the corner behind the table and cried.
My nephew came over to check on me.
I looked at him and said, “John didn’t deserve to die like that. He should still be here to celebrate his birthday today.”
As much as I try not to think about it, I can’t help it. I get so mad and sad. It’s just so unfair.
“I know Auntie”, he said as he hugged me, “It sucks. You’re so right. My cousin should be here.”
The remaining time flew by and before I knew it, the party was over. Everyone had a great time and was happy Justice decided to do this for her big brother.
After all the goodbye hugs, I sat there a little longer just looking around and thinking about John.
Thanks to everyone who came to celebrate John’s Heavenly 29th birthday.
Have you ever had a dream where you wake up, try to write it down but you’re so sleepy, you fall back asleep while in the process and pray your memory will last? Hours later when you’re fully awake, you look at the notepad, or in my case Dream Journal, lying on your nightstand. You see you did your best to write what you could remember before drifting back to sleep. Then you try to decipher the chicken scratch to figure out the message you’re supposed to remember, if there is one.
Not every dream has a message. Some dreams are visits from our loved ones from the other side because they just want to spend a little time with us.
Well, John decided to visit me again in my dreams last night, or should I say, this morning. I happily welcomed him in. This time, it wasn’t just a wave. It was conversation, laughing and he even gave me a hug!
Here’s what I wrote about my dream:
We were in an apartment I owned. It was me, my sister-mom, John (as an adult) and Jesus. We were just hanging out. I remember John was laughing and joking and having a good time.
I looked at Cindy and said “Wait a minute, this can’t be right because John’s here”
Cindy said, “It’s 1995. John hasn’t died yet.”
I couldn’t believe that because I thought it was current since John was an adult, so I went to the apartment next door. There were a lot of people in the room I entered and many calendars hanging all over the wall. I was trying to find the year and thought it said 2 /20 /25? John was laughing and joking with me, and I don’t think he had died. I thought maybe he faked his death, and I hugged him.He gave me a tight hug back,
That part of the dream ended with the hug.
But, there’s two parts in this dream.
Next, I was standing in line at a store. A teacher came up to me and said she wanted to talk to me about John, so I met with her. She said she had been in touch with John and that he actually survived. He had been on life support, and they said he was dead, but he wasn’t. He ended up surviving, so he reached out to her, and they were going to have a conversation about him going to school.
I was shocked because he didn’t let us know he was alive but instead reached out to this teacher I didn’t know. Then someone else was there with us in the meeting and said I should take the time I spent with John and invest in other areas of doing good.
After reading my notes I definitely know the message John was giving me. I had to think about 2/20/25 and just took a look at my last blog entry titled:
Date February 20, 2025 Title:Whaling to Whirling
Message:Your mourning will one day turn to joy.
Dream Interpretation;
This dream was two-fold; it was a visit with messages
Clearly John isn’t alive, although my heart wishes he was, so I’m not sure about the ‘alive’ angle. But it was a wonderful visit full of laughter, conversation and hugs
John’s telling me I’m on the right path and to keep looking to do good in his memory.
John also wants me to truly know my mourning won’t last forever. I will have joy again one day.
*Be open to receiving messages from your loved ones on the other side*
Another thought occurred to me. John’s birthday is right around the corner. Since he’s a leap year baby, his actual birthday only happens once every four years. When it’s not leap year, I always preferred to celebrate it March 1st because my thinking has always been, how can you celebrate a birth before it happens?
John on the other hand, always said leap year babies should celebrate on February 28th since it’s the month they were born, and he wasn’t born in March. He has a point, and it was his birthday, so we celebrated the way he wanted to, but most of the time it was celebrated on a totally different day anyway since there was usually some kind of party involved.
This year Justice has planned a 29th birthday party for John at the roller skating rink on March 1st, to celebrate his life. It’s going to be a hard day for me.
Maybe John wanted to see me before his birthday because he knows it’s going to be a rough day for me. Maybe he wanted to deliver comforting messages to make me feel better.
I don’t really know for sure, but without a doubt his messages have been received!
My devotion today is a message for everyone going through this tunnel of darkness called grief.
I hope this encourages someone reading this today.
Devotion
“You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy.”
~Psalm 30:11 NLT
Grief and heartache can sometimes feel like an endless tunnel with little to tell how long or how much more you will have to endure. If this is you right now, find courage in the psalm above- of one who has found the joy and light at the end of the tunnel. It does happen, and it will happen for you.
Your mourning will one day turn to joy.
A note on ‘Whirling’. Whirling is a Sufi Dance where one spins in circles as part of a meditative ritual to achieve a closer connection to God.
It is a dance of joy. During the dance, one hand is usually raised towards the sky to receive divine grace, while the other hand is turned downwards to give that grace to the world.
This dance brings people to the state of ecstasy, the state of pure stillness. Of movement outside and stillness inside.
In stillness you find the peace you desperately need in times of trauma. Especially when you’re grieving the loss of a loved one.
Tonight was tribute night for the sixth session of Grief2Hope. Tribute night is where we pay tribute to our loved ones by sharing pictures, memories and stories with the group so everyone can get to know them.
As always, it was very emotional for me.
I debated with myself ever since Hope made the announcement last week because losing John still hurts so much. It doesn’t help that I hate speaking in front of people. While this is an online group session, the camera is still on, and people are still looking at me.
I hate public speaking, but as soon as she made the announcement last week, I knew the exact picture of John I wanted to share and a perfect little project he did in the first grade which not only allows people to get to know him but also ties into Valentines Day because it’s heart shaped.
It’s also my favorite childhood keepsakes of his.
But, as usual, my mind went back and forth.
Not only was I very nervous, but also very emotional.
I didn’t want to break down while talking about my son who was murdered only six months ago.
It hurts so deep.
As Hope was speaking about honoring our loved ones who’ve passed away, I was still debating; should I do it or not.
She made it very clear it wasn’t mandatory. You only had to share if you felt comfortable doing so.
Well, I was very uncomfortable but there’s now something inside of me that feels I have to do things for John I would have never done before.
I promised him his death would not be in vain.
I promised him I would forever speak his name.
Forever speaking his name is a way of keeping his legacy alive and “speak” is the key word. Not speak in my mind but speak from my mouth for others to hear.
So, as I sat and watched and listened to a few others in the group share pictures and stories of their loved ones, I too raised my hand to speak John’s name.
I got through it with tears, but I did it. I shared my son with the group so they could know the wonderful man that he was.
When I finished, Hope thanked me for allowing them to get to know my son and said she actually got chills when I was speaking.
She also said she knows John is proud of me.
I hope he is, because this is another step I’ve taken to turn my pain into purpose, and I will forever speak his name.
John Leon Wilks
Grief2Hope Quote for the week – “The Love of a memory shared provides others with Hope.”
It’s my first Sister Circle with ‘Mothers Of Murdered Columbus Children’ (MOMCC). It’s a Valentine’s Day Edition and to be honest, I’m nervously anticipating the meeting. Hopefully I can get through it without crying uncontrollably.
I’m a shy, quiet, and reserved person by nature so attending this meeting and using my voice along with other mothers to impact the community is definitely stepping out of my comfort zone. I’m doing my best to fulfill the promise I made to John as I stood before his casket, looked at him and promised to make this world a better place in his honor while keeping his name and legacy alive. Something that he can look down on and be proud of.
This is the first step…
8:00 PM
Wow!
Attending my first MOMCC Sister Circle overwhelmed me with emotions!
It felt so good to be around mothers who truly understand my pain . The support I received from everyone felt wonderful. I cried a lot and received many hugs in return.
We started by introducing ourselves, which was quite challenging for me, but I managed it because the environment felt so safe. I was finally among people who didn’t seem uncomfortable about not knowing what to say. Next, we engaged in Valentine’s Day-related activities. There were seven stations, and each one had a different activity to complete. These included sand art, writing messages to our deceased children on paper hearts, and creating posters for the next community neighborhood gathering, among others.
The children from the MOMCC Youth Division participated in the Sister Circle, bringing a lot of laughter and joy. We all know how much happiness children can bring to our hearts. My partner for the day was Levi, the grandson of MOMCC co-founder Malissa Thomas-St. Clair. He’s a Michigan fan, and if you know anything about the Ohio State/Michigan rivalry, you know that as a Buckeye, I don’t have much love for that team up north or their fans. However, since Levi was such a delight, I told him he was an exception to the rule.
Just before the closing prayer, music began to play, and many attendees joined in what I’ve been told is a staple of these gatherings: group line dancing. This lively activity certainly lifted my spirits as well. Watching these women, who have experienced the pain of losing a child to violence, laugh and dance has given me hope. I believe that one day, I too will be able to smile again and feel joy.
I’m looking forward to this journey with my Sister Soldiers and fulfilling the promise I made to my son.
As soon as I got home, I sent a message to Hope Reger, the founder of the Grief2Hope weekly series I’ve been attending online. I wanted to let her know that I have found my “arm’s length tribe,” and I was welcomed in with open arms.
The MOMCC event was also featured on the news, showcasing pictures of our lost angels, with John’s picture front and center. The broadcast included clips of me crying, as you can see in the video below.
Me and my little MOMCC partner, Levi, grandson of MOMCC Co-Founder Malissa Thomas-St.ClairGroup photo of MOMCC Sister Circle Valentines Edition. I’m standing on the far left wearing black, holding John’s picture
Today was a good day.
I haven’t had many, if any, of those since July 28,2024
I have decided to include posts from Mothers of Murdered Columbus Children who are still seeking justice for the murder of their child. Mothers whose child has been murdered but the offender hasn’t been caught or arrested.
This has to be agonizing for them.
So many offenders are out there running free after having taken the life of someone leaving the family in ruins.
These families deserve justice!
Brenda Johnson
The following post is from fellow Sister Soldier, Brenda Johnson.
Brenda’s son, James, was murdered Tuesday October 20 2020 so every Tuesday, Brenda posts about the murder in hopes it will come across someone’s Facebook feed who has knowledge and will contact the authorities.
If anyone reading my blog has informatioon about the murder of James Edward Johnson”BOOBOO” please contact the authorites.
If you know something, say something!
Brenda and her son James
Yes it’s Tuesday!! 4+ years of Tuesday post!!
JAMES EDWARD JOHNSON “BOOBOO”
MURDERED AND UNSOLVED
TUESDAY OCT.20.2020
SUNOCO GAS STATION
2281 SULLIVANT AVE
DROVE HIMSELF TO UDF ON SULLIVANT AVE AND HAGUE AVE RUSHED TO GRANT HOSPITAL WHERE IS WAS PRONOUNCED DECEASED
HE IS OUR ONLY SON, A FATHER OF 6, A BROTHER, A UNCLE ETC.
I will continue to fight for my Angel and other UNSOLVED HOMICIDES! I don’t have time for hate or racism or prejudice!!!
This World has enough of this sick epidemic of hatred and judgment.
If you want to put your heart into something make it about Love and help others, speak positive, stop hating anyone who doesn’t look like you, believe like you, live like you, or think like you.
Do community work, get to know who you think you hate I bet you don’t hate them once you open your heart to get to know them. We all struggle with something we should be more open to understanding than to just toss others away like trash.
We should put our efforts into getting murderers off of our streets and stop spreading the hate for those who are trying the best they can to do right.
“A cheerful heart puts a smile on your face, but a broken heart leads to depression.”
Proverbs 15:13
My mind understands these words but my heart is still in so much pain.
I know God understands joy and sadness more than we could ever comprehend. I also know God is patient with me as I continue to navigate the most difficult grief journey I’ve ever had to travel.
I’m hurting but I know I must look to the joy of the Lord and bravely continue to move forward in turning my pain into purpose.
I promise to honor my son and do all the good I can in his name. That’s what he would want me to do.
Looking back on January, I have to say, I’m proud of myself. I joined the online grief group Grief2Hope, teamed up with an ally in ‘What Would Marcus Do’ and have formed bonds with other mothers in MOMCC.
Of course, there were days when the tears just didn’t stop as well. I was sad, mad and still frustrated that this blog even had to be created. I’ll continue to cry. I’ll continue to feel despair but I’m trying my best not to stay there. When I get too down and too hard on myself, I hear my sister-mom saying, “Give yourself grace”.
“Give yourself Grace.”
What I’ve experienced is life altering. I know it will take time to get my life back on track. But I will do it. I’ll fall down and I’ll get back up. I’ll cry and I’ll wipe my eyes. I have to. I’m no longer living just for myself but also in memory of my son.
When I’m in the depths of despair, I’ve always turned to the one person who’s able to lift me out. The one who has always been a light in my darkness; Michael Jackson. Michael’s music soothes my soul and provides healing. It always has and it always will.
So many of Michael’s songs touch my soul in ways I cannot explain; it’s a sacred connection. He’s most famously known for the powerful song “Man In the Mirror.” This song tells the listener; in order to make a change in the world, you must first take an honest look at yourself. Change begins with you.
I also love another song by Michael called “Cry” which speaks about change from a different perspective. In “Cry”, the lyrics urge people to unite to make the world a better place:
People laugh when they’re feeling sad Someone is takin’ a life, hold on Respect to believe in your dreams Tell me, where were you When your children cried last night?
You can change the world (I can’t do it by myself) You can touch the sky (Gonna take somebody’s help) You’re the chosen one (I’m gonna need some kind of sign) If we all cry at the same time tonight
Change the world
This is what I want to do. Change the world. Change the world by teaming up with MOMCC and other organizations to stop the violence in my city. I don’t want another mother to ever suffer the pain from losing their child to violence. Change not only takes place individually but collectively and I want to be part of it.
John’s death will not be in vain.
Picture taken from Michael Jackson’s video “Cry”
Have you been able to do anything meaningful with your grief?
