May 11, 2025
It’s Mother’s Day.
My first Mother’s Day without John.
I have so many emotions swirling through my body, twisting and turning my heart and mind.
Overwhelming sadness.
An unending flow of tears has continued since I woke up this morning, and they won’t stop no matter how hard I try.
Once again, John’s absence shatters my heart into a million pieces.
How do I get through it?
Everywhere I look, I think of him. As I walk down the hall toward John’s bedroom, I stop at the door. A smile spreads across my face when I see the remnants of the peel-and-stick letters that spell out his name. I recall how excited he was when we placed his name on the door as a child and how irritated he became as a teenager when the name remained visible despite our many efforts to remove it.
“Mom, can you please get something to remove my name entirely?” Can Dad paint over it? He would complain, “It’s embarrassing.”
“I’ll have him do it, John,” I would reply, but he never seemed to find the time.
Now, I’m glad he didn’t.
It’s a piece of John that will remain with me forever.
Closing my eyes, I lean my head on the door and imagine him on the other side—lying in his red race car bed when he was five, playing on the floor surrounded by his army men, sleeping soundly on the top bunk when he was ten, cleaning the aquarium of his pet snake “Curly” and giggling with his little sister as they made up funny songs to sing.,,”We loooove music…We loooove music…”
I think of him growing into a tall, handsome teenager with a cell phone constantly in his hand, his first girlfriend, and playing video games for hours on end.
As an adult, he often returned to this room seeking refuge while trying to navigate the challenges of life. For many years, this space became a revolving door for John. Ultimately, we wanted him to learn how to stand on his own. He was finally on that path when his life was tragically cut short—a wonderful soul gunned down by a coward because of a stupid argument.
I open my tear-stained eyes and look at the faded letters on John’s door, which serve as a powerful reminder of his absence from this world. It’s a constant, somber reminder of his departure—a tangible symbol of his absence that resonates deeply in my heart.
Mother’s Day will never be the same for me.
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