March 1, 2025
This morning, I woke up on a wet pillow so I know I must have been crying in my sleep…again.
Today John would have been 29 years old.
Twenty-nine.
I can’t believe I’m typing “would have been”, let alone saying it.
This is so hard.
If I could stay in bed and cry all day, I would. But just as I have done so many times these past seven months, I cry, dab my eyes and get up to face another day.
Today I’m attending a birthday skating party for John, given by our daughter, Justice. I think that’s so sweet of her. Of course I’ll be there along with many others celebrating John’s day. There’s so much more I want to say about John and what I had hoped this birthday would bring, but if I do, I’ll be writing all day.
So, I’ll move on.
The Balloon Release
The weather last week was so beautiful. It was high in the sixties with the sun shining brightly every day. I decided to host a balloon release at John’s grave before heading over to the party today.
The balloon release was planned to start at 2 pm. I wanted to bring our portable speaker with us. I thought it would be nice to take song requests from those in attendance. If there was a song that reminded them of John or a favorite song of his, I would play it. We were going to have a mini celebration before the big one later today.
The party before the party would end with everyone releasing a balloon to Stevie Wonder’s “Happy Birthday” song. We would then dance and sing as loud as we possibly could. I wanted John and all of heaven to hear us.
But…Mother Nature had different plans.
Today the temperatures are in the mid-twenties with the wind chill well below that. It’s so cold outside! Needless to say, I let everyone know if they couldn’t make it to the balloon release, that’s totally fine. I’ll see them at the skating party later today.
This cold weather wasn’t going to stop the faithful few led by momma bear! I was determined to go to John’s grave and release those balloons no matter what on his special day.
You can’t stop love!
We arrived around 3 pm and was immediately met by the frigid winds which practically blew us away once we turned into the cemetery. Tiffany, Kammy and Tiffany’s mom, Cindy, hadn’t arrived yet. I got out of the car and headed to Johns grave to wrap a few helium balloons on his temporary marker. That wind was relentless! I wanted to snap a picture of the balloons, but the wind kept slamming them to the ground.
“Okay, not today”.
I went back to the car to wait for the others to arrive. My phone rang and Tiffany let me know they were here. When they pulled up behind us and parked, we exited our cars and stood at John’s grave. Helium filled balloons were batting us in the face left and right like a prizefighter. We held onto those strings for dear life to ensure the balloons weren’t released until the appointed time.
I planned to give a nice long speech about how much we miss John on this special day, but it was so cold. I decided to shorten my speech, thank the few who made it here and said,
“Happy Heavenly 29th Birthday John! We love and miss you. Everyone wishes you were still here. But since you’re not, we’ll celebrate for you! I hope you’re having an amazing birthday celebration up there.”
At the count of three, we released the balloons, screamed “Happy Birthday John!” and watched some fly up toward the heavens. There were also a few that got stuck in a tree. We all laughed as Ronnie retrieved the balloons in the tree.
“I can hear John laughing at us now”, I said and everyone agreed.
“WE LOVE YOU, JOHN!”
Justice was able to record everything. At the time of the balloon release, I noticed the wind switched directions. It calmed down considerably right when we released the balloons.
While looking at the video, I noticed the balloons I tied on John’s grave marker were standing straight up!
Even if it isn’t the greatest picture, I was able to get one after all.
I’ll take whatever I can get.
Thanks John.
*Be open to messages and actions from your loved ones on the other side*
The Skating Party
After the frigid balloon release, we headed to John’s skating party.
I hadn’t been to the skating rink in years. When I walked in and saw the disco ball hanging from the ceiling over the rink, I was immediately transported back to the 1970s and 80s. Going skating every Saturday was a ritual for me and my friends as children and teenagers. It was so much fun! That’s when there were designated parts in each skating session; backward skate, adult skate, Hokie Pokie and the highly anticipated “moonlight” skate. Moonlight skate is when the only light in the rink came from the spinning disco ball above it. The DJ would put on the latest popular slow songs heard on the radio to set the mood. That’s when your hands began sweating as you nervously waited for a cute boy to ask you to skate with him while holding his hand.
And when the skate was over, you hoped he would ask for your phone number.
Such great memories!
We were the first to arrive. Shortly after, other guests began streaming in. Several family members and friends couldn’t make it because they were sick, but overall, it was still a very nice turnout.
I’m always so emotional now. Half the time my mind is elsewhere, thinking about John, so getting pictures of everyone together was challenging. My sister-in-law usually captures spontaneous photos, but she was one of many who couldn’t come because she was sick. When I looked at the group picture, I noticed at least fifteen people missing who were there, but I reminded myself, that’s okay, the memories will last a lifetime.
My nephew, Andrew, knows a baker he calls the ‘Cake Lady’, so he volunteered to bring cupcakes for the celebration. She made the most delicious cupcakes I’ve ever tasted. She also inserted little pictures of John on toothpicks and placed them on the top of each cupcake. Once I saw them, I cried because it took me off guard. What a nice touch to that was!
The most emotional part, for me, was singing happy birthday to John. I brought a picture of John and sat it at the table in front of two balloons representing his age, twenty-nine. When everyone began singing, I grabbed the picture and held it close to my heart. Toward the middle of the song, I was overcome with emotions, so I pulled the picture up to cover my face. Everyone thought I did it so they could feel like they were singing to John, but that isn’t the reason why. I did it to hide all the tears streaming down my face.
Once they had finished singing and eating the cupcakes, the children went back to skating. I stepped back into the corner behind the table and cried.
My nephew came over to check on me.
I looked at him and said, “John didn’t deserve to die like that. He should still be here to celebrate his birthday today.”
As much as I try not to think about it, I can’t help it. I get so mad and sad. It’s just so unfair.
“I know Auntie”, he said as he hugged me, “It sucks. You’re so right. My cousin should be here.”
The remaining time flew by and before I knew it, the party was over. Everyone had a great time and was happy Justice decided to do this for her big brother.
After all the goodbye hugs, I sat there a little longer just looking around and thinking about John.
Thanks to everyone who came to celebrate John’s Heavenly 29th birthday.
I’m sure he smiled down on all of us.
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