November 1, 2024
Although my blog is about my son’s death, I understand that it’s a very painful experience regardless of who dies. You may have lost your mother, father, husband, wife, sibling or grandparent.
In addition to losing my son, I have also lost both of my parents, my grandparents, most of my aunts and uncles, and some cousins. Please know that I understand your pain as deeply as my own.
No matter who it is or how they passed away, my heart goes out to those who have lost a loved one and are navigating their own grief journey.
I am sure that loss brings both pain and change. It leads to changes in how you feel, how you look, how you think, and what you do.
I have faced many significant losses in life, but the loss of John has profoundly affected me, and not in a positive way.
I am changed.
The First 48
One of the major changes in my life since John was murdered has been what I watch on television.
I’ve always loved true crime shows. The First 48 is my favorite, followed by, After The First 48, 20/20, Forensic Files and Dateline. I would never miss an episode and would watch the all-day marathons of The First 48 whenever they aired.
My children would always ask me why I watched such depressing shows about people being murdered. They just didn’t get it.
I would say ‘I’m not watching it because of the murders. While that aspect makes me very sad, I watch it for the investigation process. I love seeing crimes solved and justice served not only for the victim but also for the victim’s family. As a matter of fact, I always wanted to help people just like that and regret that I never followed my heart.”
They both would say, “It’s still too creepy for me.”
And leave the room, which is totally okay, especially for a child.
It goes without saying that that has changed.I haven’t watched The First 48 since July 26, two days before John was murdered, and I’m not sure if I will ever watch it again. I also haven’t watched any other crime shows that involve murder, disappearances, or other sensitive topics. I don’t plan to because it hurts too much right now.
Watching numerous first-48 episodes has provided me with valuable insight into the investigative process. While I had many questions when the detectives delivered the tragic news of John’s death, I understood why they could only share so much. I’m thankful that Miller the Killer was arrested and incarcerated within hours of killing John. My heart goes out to all families of murdered victims whose offender is still out there running free. That has to be pure agony for them.
I hope that all of them will be captured and imprisoned too.
Pawn Shops
John loved Pawn Shops.
I now avoid driving by the Pawn Shops that John frequented when he lived with us. He would go into them not only to explore everything under the sun but also to pawn whatever he had lying around the house, especially when he was short on cash, until his next paycheck. I jokingly called him “THEE Pawn King.”
As a matter of fact, I received a pawn ticket for John in the mail last month. He hasn’t lived here for five years, so of course seeing this little card make its way to our house brought tears to my eyes and a little smile on my face.
I figured it was another way of John saying “Hi”
*Be open to receiving messages from the other side*
I don’t have the heart or strength to call the pawn shop and inform them that John has died. Instead, I tucked the card in my “John” folder and will keep it right by my side.
Cars
John was a car fanatic. His childhood fascination with Hot Wheels evolved into a passion for larger toys in adulthood. At one time, John would change cars like a person changes socks. It seemed like every other month, John would bring home a different car because he liked this one better than the others.. As I said before, most of the time John had the attention span of a gnat. He didn’t stick with things for very long. That was my John, marching to the beat of his own drum.
Ronnie has a collection of small cars that John loved as a child, neatly lined up on the basement windowsill, which he looks at every day. But I can’t look at them without breaking down in tears, so I turn and look away.
His solace is my sadness
Perhaps one day I will be able to watch my favorite shows again, visit Lev’s Pawn Shop to browse around, or check out John’s small car collection sitting on the basement windowsill. But for now, I find that avoiding these things is helping me. It’s giving me respite from the intense emotional pain I feel from losing my son.
I keep telling myself it’s not forever. It’s for a season.
What changes occurred in your life after your child died? Have you been able to resume what you used to do?