I don’t feel like doing anything but lying around in my pajamas all day.
I drift in and out of sleep and when I wake up, my pillow is wet.
So many tears. They just don’t stop flowing.
I miss my son.
I get up and go to the kitchen. I need to get something to eat. I know I need to eat. I open the refrigerator door, but nothing looks appetizing, so I just grab a bottle of cranberry juice.
I sit down at the Kitchen table and start looking at some of the condolence cards we received and come across one of my favorites titled:
Remembering Their Beautiful Song
I received so many lovely cards in the past two weeks and am grateful for them all, but this one from my FCOG Master Life Sisters touched my heart in a very special way.
These beautiful ladies have been an amazing prayer and support system for well over a decade, and I appreciate them now more than ever.
John, I will forever carry your beautiful song in my heart.
Those who take the life of another never think about the pain it leaves behind. The decision they make in one instant alters the lives of a victim’s loved ones for a lifetime.
Yes, I’m angry and very sad, especially when I read this post from Tiffany who is the mother of John’s daughter, my adorable eight-year-old granddaughter.
*I’m a firm believer that our loved ones who pass away still speak to us from the other side. You just have to be open to receiving the messages they’re trying to send.
After my sister and her family caught their flight home, Ronnie and I decided to pick up some gyros from a local restaurant to take home for dinner. It had been a very long, emotional day so I didn’t feel like cooking and Ronnie didn’t want to eat leftovers. He was tired of fried chicken, macaroni and cheese, and green beans.
As we were leaving the restaurant a silver truck jumped out in front of us and Ronnie slammed on his breaks. Ronnie blew his horn while saying a few choice words and continued to complain. The person in the truck stuck their arm out the window and started waving. Not in an angry way. Just a wave.
When I saw them waving, I immediately felt John’s presence and replied, “Hi John!”
His energy was all around me and it was very strong.
Ronnie looked at me like I had lost my mind.
Now, let me explain. The truck that jumped out in front of us wasn’t just any truck. This was a Tesla Cybertruck. Tesla Cybertrucks look like military tanks and when they were released in 2023, John thought they were pretty cool. This truck wasn’t something I would ever drive. John, on the other hand, would take great pride in driving this truck. He was a Military Man in his heart.
The funny thing is, I had never seen a Tesla Cybertruck in person before, until this day.
Of all days. The day when I made my first appearance in court and saw John’s killer for the first time. When I tearfully used my voice to speak for my son. The day I heard more devastating information about my son’s murder and was forced to think about the fear he faced that horrible day.
Yet, on this day, John popped up when I needed him most, with a wave to let me know he’s okay.
Yes, I believe our loved ones speak to us from the other side, so I excitedly told Ronnie, don’t be mad, that’s just John saying “Hi.”
A Tesla Cybertruck
Has your child or loved one shown up in your life in one way or another after passing away?
The day after the funeral is usually the time to exhale. You’re still grieving but now you can catch your breath because all the arduous work of planning and attending the funeral has come to an end.
Out of town guests prepare to go back home and after all the hugs goodbye, you can sit down and decompress from the emotional war that’s been going on inside your heart and mind.
But, for me, there is no rest for the weary.
I have to attend ‘Miller the Killers’ bond hearing at 9am. Today, I’ll have to look him in the face for the first time. I have so many emotions running through me I can’t even begin to explain how I feel inside.
When my sister, Cindy, found out the hearing was going to be held the day after John’s funeral, she and her family decided to stay an extra day so she could go with us to court. Of course I was very happy she decided to stay. I need all the support I can get today.
We left at 7:30am so we could meet Caroline, our Victims Advocate, at eight. I don’t know if Ronnie was driving like a snail or me being overstressed, but it seemed to be taking forever to get downtown to the courthouse.
I kept thinking “We’re going to be late! We still have to find somewhere to park when we get there, please drive faster Ronnie!”
But I kept those thoughts to myself. We were all nervous enough as it was.
We finally arrived downtown but were cutting it close, so I asked Ronnie to drop us off at the front while he parked the car and told him I’ll send a text letting him know where we are once we’re inside.
Cindy and I exited the elevator and didn’t see anyone, so we sat down outside of the courtroom, hoping Caroline would soon appear. I had no idea what she looked like as we’ve only spoken on the phone.
After a few moments, Caroline came around the corner, called my name, and I responded. She greeted me and then led us to a small conference room attached to the courtroom, opened the door and sat down at the small table. I told her my husband was parking the car so I would like to wait until he’s here before we begin. Around five minutes later, Ronnie let me know he was in the building, and I gave him directions to the conference room.
Ronnie entered the room and after exchanging pleasantries, she began to explain what would happen in court today.
“What are your thoughts about bail?” She asked.
Ronnie immediately said, “No bail.”
She nodded and said, “I understand that’s what you would like but the Judge most likely won’t grant that for this case, so I suggest we word it differently.
We can say “No bail or very high bail.”
To which he replied, “Okay, I guess that’s what we’ll have to agree to. You know what’s best. But just know I don’t want him to ever get out of jail for what he did to our son.”
She then began to discuss the victim statement. “You can give your victim statement today” she explained, “but this hearing doesn’t determine guilt or innocence so the statement to the judge can’t address any of your feelings concerning that. You can only address what you’d like him to consider when making his decision on setting bond.”
Caroline let us know she’s our advocate, which means she has the right to speak on our behalf. She, and the Judge, both understand this is a very emotional time for victims so she would be willing to speak for us if needed.
Everyone who knows me knows I hate public speaking. I’m a shy, quiet, and reserved person who prefers to work in the background. Normally, I would’ve been okay with Caroline speaking on my behalf but today was different. Very different.
“Caroline it’s nice of you to offer,” I said, “and I’m not going to lie, I’m very nervous but I want to address the judge and make our statement. I have to do it. I am John’s voice now.”
She nodded her head, smiled, and said, “It takes courage to do what you’re doing. Judges want to hear from the victim. As a matter of fact, they prefer it. It’s much more powerful when the victim speaks.” She then gave me a few ideas of what to say.
It was approaching 9am so she said we’ll come back to this conference room afterwards to discuss what happened and she will answer any questions we have at that time.
We followed her into the courtroom, and I sat down in the first row in between Ronnie and Cindy. Caroline sat in the row directly behind us.
I’ve never seen Miller the Killer before, so I had no clue if he was present in the courtroom when we entered. The Clerk of Courts began calling the cases and we waited our turn. I was so nervous! I had cotton mouth, and my heart was racing. There may have been around five or six cases before I heard John’s case come up and they were all robbery and burglary cases. All felony cases but no murder cases.
The clerk then called our case and stated the defendant wouldn’t be attending court in person but via video. The video then popped on screen and there he was. I only glanced at him because I couldn’t bear to look at his face. I saw an orange jumpsuit and the face of a barely legal kid trying to be cool. He still had acne on his face, and I quickly looked away.
The clerk continued and read a brief statement about the case and the charges. Then I heard her say, “the defendant Miller shot John Wilks in the chest two times, in the back two times and in the head, thus resulting in his death.”
My heart dropped. Did she said he shot my son in the head?!?
John was also shot in the head?!?
The detective didn’t mention anything about John being shot in the head! Tears started rolling down my cheeks. I began twisting my fingers together and looked down at the floor. This is horrible! You have to have a lot of hate in your heart to shoot someone in the head!
My son did NOT deserve that.
I didn’t hear what else she said after that but felt Caroline tap me on the shoulder letting me know it was time for us to approach the podium to speak to the judge. I wiped my eyes with my fingers and walked to the podium with Ronnie by my side and Caroline behind me.
The Judge said a few words and then asked who we were.
Ronnie cleared his throat and said, “Hello your honor, my name is Ronald Wilks and I’m John Wilks father.”
I then said with a trembling voice, “Your honor, my name is Shari Wilks. I’m the mother of John Wilks.”
The judge then said a few more words and asked if we wanted to give a victim’s statement about bond.
I took a deep breath, cleared my throat, and said as firm as I could, “Yes sir,” My husband and I are asking you to set no bail or very high bail, please. The killer is very violent and a threat to society. We are fearful for our lives and believe he is a flight risk.”
I got it out without totally breaking down.
In the corner of my eye, I could see movement of the orange jumpsuit and when I looked over at Miller the Killer on the screen, he put his hand up to his mouth in a yawning motion and then he laughed at me. He actually laughed at me.
The tears started flowing again and the Judge thanked me for my statement.
I turned to walk to my seat and all eyes in that courtroom were on me. I could feel compassion coming from every face in that room. We sat back down for a second and Caroline instructed us to meet her back in the conference room.
I stood up and started walking, Ronnie and Cindy followed behind me. As I approached the door, a kind man in the courtroom got up from his seat, opened the door for me and said, “I’m so sorry”.
I mouthed the words “thank you” and made it back to the small conference room.
Once the door was closed I let it all out.
Ronnie hugged me.
Cindy cried too.
Caroline smiled and said I did a great job.
When I composed myself, I looked at Ronnie and said, “Now I know why John’s temple looked like that. He was shot in the head.”
And cried some more.
Farewell Sister-Mom
August 9, 2024
My sister-mom and family boarded their flight shortly after the hearing and it was hard to say good-bye. Cindy had been such a Godsend for me these past two weeks. I wouldn’t have made it without her but of course I understood she has a life of her own and it was time for her to go home.
So with a lot of hugs and yes, more tears, we said our farewell.
Cindy and Family on the airplane heading home- Zachary, Kevin, Kevin and my Sister-Mom
It was the spring of 1997 when my cousin, Angie’s, precious 5- year- old daughter, Angel, was struck by a car, while riding her bicycle, and died. I remember going over to my Aunt Barbara’s house with my mother and hearing Angie crying in the shower over the loss of her sweet Angel. It wasn’t just crying. It was something I had never heard before, a guttural wail that reverberated throughout the entire house and still gives me chills when I think about it. At that time, I had no idea about the amount of anguish pouring from her soul. She had lost her baby and even though we tried to comfort her, nothing we could say or do could ease her pain.
I also remember on the day of Angel’s funeral, Angie sat on the corner of her bed in her pajamas, crossed her arms and said, “I’m not going.”
My first thought when I saw that was compassion for my cousin. I prayed for God to give her the strength to get through this agonizing day.
My second thought was, “You have to go, she’s your baby.”
My Aunt Barbara hugged Angie and gave her all the love and support a mother could give at a time such as this. Mommy and I left the room to leave them alone, and forty-five minutes later, Angie emerged from her bedroom with her funeral clothes on.
I tell this story to say, twenty-eight years later I totally understand why my cousin said, “I’m not going.”
Because it’s the final goodbye.
Don’t tell me,” It’s good-bye for now”.
Don’t say “It’s not forever because you’ll see him again”.
To be honest, that’s NOT what a parent needs or wants to hear when they’ve lost their child. It doesn’t make us feel better.
That’s not what a parent thinks about when they see their own child, no matter the age, lying before them in a casket.
All you can think is, my child is gone.
Gone.
I will never hear John’s voice again. I will never see his beautiful smile. He won’t be around to irritate me with the little things he did or be able to stop by my house to sit with us and laugh for a little while.
He’s gone.
His funeral is today, and I don’t want to go either.
I don’t want to do this, but I know I have to go, so I muster the strength to get out of bed and take a shower. I stand in the shower and cry. Not the guttural wails like my cousins from many years ago, but quiet sobs as the warm water hits my face.
Showers of sobs.
“I wish my cousin Angie was here so I could talk to her right now” I thought, “she would understand my pain.”
Sadly, Angie passed away from breast cancer in 2004, seven years after she lost her sweet Angel.
As I exit my shower, I hear my daughter, Justice, taking her own in the main bathroom.
We picked her up yesterday evening so she could spend the night to make sure she wouldn’t oversleep. She’s also riding with us in the limousine to the church this morning, so she needed to be here when they arrive at 9:30.
Speaking of Justice, I haven’t said much about her because she’s been a little distant since her brother was murdered. John was three years older than Justice but they were extremely close. She always said, “We’re two peas in a pod.” She’s lost without John, and I can tell she doesn’t know exactly what to do.
My heart breaks for her because I don’t know what to do to help her through this. Of course, I give her plenty of hugs and tell her how much I love her. I tell her I’m here for her if she wants to talk but she’s twenty-five years old so I don’t want to smother her. I’m giving her the space she needs, and I pray for her every day. I pray God will see her through this extremely difficult time.
I begin putting on my clothes and receive a text from my sister-mom to see if I’m up and moving along which I tell her, I am.
Cindy’s husband and adult children arrived yesterday. They’re staying in a hotel close by so she went to the hotel last night and will ride to the funeral with them.
After I finished dressing, I headed downstairs. Ronnie was sitting at the kitchen table, dressed and ready but feeling just as distraught as I was. I have no appetite whatsoever, so I drink some orange juice and ask if he wants something for breakfast. He wasn’t hungry either.
“Thank God,” I thought to myself, “I don’t even know if I could cook anything right now.”
The clock on the stove says 9:01. The limo will be here in twenty-nine minutes, so I call upstairs to let Justice know how much time she has left.
By 9:25, we’re all sitting in the Living Room waiting for the limo to arrive. No one is saying a word. We’re all just staring off in space. The limo pulls up and we get in. The drive is very short as my church is only two miles away.
The silence continues.
“God, please help us.” I pray.
We’re greeted by warm smiles from the church hospitality team when we arrive and are led to the doors of the small chapel inside.
My legs are starting to shake, and I grab Ronnie’s arm.
“I can’t do this.” I say to him.
“Yes, you can” he replies and pulls me closer, “Lean on me. I’m right here with you.”
We’re fifteen minutes early so Mr. Caliman, who arrived with John’s body, asks if we want to go in the chapel now or if we want to wait. We told him now because Justice missed the viewing yesterday and she wants a few minutes alone with her brother.
As I watch her look at her big brother lying lifeless in that casket, I have to look away. It’s too much for this mother to take. When she’s done having her moment, we sit down. I grab her hand, then I put my arm around her, she lays her head on my shoulder and cries.
At 10am on the dot, the chapel doors open and people begin to stream in.
At the same time, the video tribute for John begins playing on the monitors above him and I hear that angelic voice of Michael Jackson singing;
“Like a comet Blazing ‘cross the evening sky Gone too soon
Like a rainbow Fading in the twinkling of an eye Gone too soon
Shiny and sparkly And splendidly bright Here one day Gone one night”
I lost it and began sobbing at this point. I really needed to hear Michael’s voice right now. Sister Pam came through for me just like I knew she would.
“Thank you, Sis Pam,” I whispered, “thank you.”
Cindy and her family arrive shortly after the viewing started, as well as my granddaughter, Kammy, her mother, Tiffany, and Kammy’s maternal grandmother.
I watched my nephews Kevin and Zachary walk up to the casket, look at John for a few moments and quickly turn away. They were so close to John so I know it was hard for them to see their cousin this way.
As my granddaughter and her mother approached the casket, Tiffany paused and gave Kammy a loving kiss on her forehead, just the same way I kissed John’s a few moments earlier.
And, I wiped the tears from my eyes.
I quickly got up and stood with them in front of John’s casket as did Ronnie and Justice. Kammy needs as much love and support surrounding her as possible right now.
She had tears in her little eyes as she looked at John.
We heard her tiny voice say,
“I love you Daddy” and she placed her handwritten letter to him, with hearts drawn all over the envelope, inside the casket.
It was so heartbreaking.
The more people came to pay their respects to John and give their condolences, the harder it became.
Many who came to John’s funeral were mothers themselves and didn’t know what to say. All they could do was look at me with pain filled eyes followed by a warm embrace.
The video tribute continued to play to the music of “Gone Too Soon” over and over again. So many commented that this song is both beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. It was an excellent choice for such a sad occasion, but it made them cry even harder.
At 10:55 am, Mr. Caliman came over to us and said the service would be starting soon so now is the time to say our final goodbye before the closing of the casket.
A knot formed in my throat and my heart began to race because I know this is the last time I will see my son’s face.
I slowly stood up and approached John’s casket with family surrounding me. The tears just wouldn’t stop as I looked down on my son for the last time. He’s lying in this casket in front of me and I still can’t believe we’re here.
I leaned down, kissed his forehead and said, “I love you John, and promise to get justice for you. I’ll watch over and love Kammy with all the love I have to give. I promise to find purpose in this pain and will forever say your name. Your death is not in vain.”
I also place a picture of me and John together in his casket.
I didn’t want him to be alone.
And with that, I buried my face into Ronnie’s shoulder and cried.
We sat back down, watched the casket lid slowly close and I whispered, “Goodbye John.”
The service began, the songs were sung and the eulogy given.
So much is a blur after the casket closed because all I could do was look at it and think about my son lying inside, however, I do remember, the message of Pastor Schultz eulogy to us; there isn’t a timetable on grief so don’t let anyone put one on yours.
After the benediction, the pallbearers were called to the front of the church to retrieve John’s casket, and “I’ll Fly Away” began to play.
As I walked behind the casket, I repeated what I told John before his casket closed.
“I’ll get justice for you John and will forever carry you in my heart.”
A decorative heart I received inside a sympathy floral display
After the viewing concluded, I sat down with Ms. Davis to finalize John’s funeral program. For some reason, I’m that person who always keeps a copy of the program from every funeral I attend. The obituary in the program contains family history which I think is always important to remember and pass down to the next generation. Funeral programs can be a family tree at your fingertips.
I guess that’s the reason why I always keep them.
Over the years, I’ve encountered a range of funeral programs, from elaborate ones featuring multiple 8″x10″ pages filled with pictures celebrating a life well lived, to simpler programs the size of a notecard with just a few heartfelt words. I decided that John’s program would lie somewhere between the two; the standard 5″x7″ double-sided four-page program which includes his obituary, the order of service, interment information, words of thanks, and a few pictures.
The first picture is more recent and shows the kindness in his eyes. What I want people to remember most about John is, he was a kind soul.
The next three pictures represent John’s proudest moments in life:
His High School Graduation picture.
The day he took the military oath of enlistment and the group photo with his family on that day.
A picture of him with his proudest accomplishment of all; his daughter Kammy.
A most recent picture of John
John High School Graduation Photo
Military Oath Day
Ronnie, Shari, John and Justice
The Broken Chain is a poem I’ve seen in many funeral programs and I love it. This poem is a promise from God I truly believe in; death doesn’t separate us forever. I know it may be hard for people to think that, especially when you’re mourning the loss of a loved one, but this poem truly brings me great comfort. I want ‘The Broken Chain’ included in my funeral program and I let everyone know it.
It didn’t take long for me to realize I want to put it in John’s program too. Kammy will be able to look at this poem over the years and hopefully, it will comfort her as well. I wasn’t sure where the poem should be placed in the program, but when I looked at the picture of John, with Kammy nestled in his arms, I knew exactly where should go; right underneath that picture.
Ms. Davis thought it was a beautiful idea which made me feel good about the choice.
“I still can’t believe we’re here doing this,” I said, as a tear rolled down my cheek.
She gently rubbed my back as she handed me another tissue which only made me cry harder.
“I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine the pain you’re feeling right now”
“Thank you.”
She brought the conversation back to the program.
“We’ve completed the program so I’ll send it to the printer as soon as you leave. There’s a 5 pm deadline since the funeral is tomorrow morning and we’re cutting it close.”
“Check your email later tonight for the final copy”, she advised as she walked me to the door, “We want to make sure you see the final copy before the service tomorrow”
John and his precious daughter, Kammy
The Broken Chain
We little knew that day, God was going to call your name. In life, we loved you dearly, In death, we do the same.
It broke our hearts to lose you, You did not go alone. For part of us went with you The day God called you home.
You left us peaceful memories, Your love is still our guide. And though we cannot see you, You are always by our side.
Our family chain is broken, And nothing seems the same, But as God calls us one by one, The chain will link again.
Yes, my son, the chain will link again.
John’s Funeral Program
As we were driving back home from this very emotional experience, my phone rang.
It was my daughter Justice calling to say she overslept.
My sister-mom was right again. She usually is.
She asked how John looked.
“He looked very nice. They did a great job.”
She asked about the funeral tomorrow. I suggested she spend the night at our house and ride to the church with us. I didn’t want her to oversleep and miss the funeral tomorrow. She agreed and we arranged the pick-up time at 8 pm.
Among the many things I’ve learned from losing John so suddenly is, to always tell your children you love them. You never know when the last time you hear their voice will be.
So, before ending the call, I said, “I love you, Justice.”
And she replied, “I love you more, Mom.”
It’s been a very rough day and I really needed to hear that.
I’ve been wanting to see him since the day he died and now I can barely move.
Yesterday I told my daughter, Justice, that the private viewing would take place today. I told her we would pick her up at 9am in order to make sure we would arrive at the funeral home by ten.
At 7am, I began calling here but she didn’t pick up the phone. I continued to call every fifteen minutes but still no answer. Of course, as a mom, I began to worry about her.
Was she okay?
Did something happen?
What’s going on?
“This isn’t like her at all. I know she wouldn’t miss seeing her brother” I said to Cindy.
My sister-mom told me to take some deep breaths and assured me that Justice was okay.
“She’s probably sleeping and doesn’t hear her phone ringing. She’s grieving too.” she said.
I eventually calmed down and agreed, thinking maybe it was too much for her to see John today. Everything happens for a reason.
John’s daughter, Kammy, wouldn’t be going either. I discussed it with her mom and we both decided seeing her daddy lying in a casket two days in a row would be too much for an eight-year-old to handle.
So, it was just us three; Ronnie, my sister-mom and me.
We arrived at the funeral home a little after 10am.
I was crying before we even reached the front door.
Ms. Davis greeted us as we entered the lobby.
She pointed to the double wooden doors to her left and said John was inside the chapel.
“Please have a seat as I need to speak to Mr. Caliman, and will be right back.”
Ronnie and I sat down on the two chairs facing the double wooden doors. I looked at the small sign which hung on the wall to the right of the door and read my son’s name.
“John Leon Wilks”
The tears began to flow.
I cannot believe my son’s body is just beyond that door.
No sooner had that thought crossed my mind than Ms. Davis came from around the corner and said, “Okay, are you ready to go in now?”
Without hesitation, I said “No”
“I’m not ready.”
I sat there for a few minutes trying to breathe.
Ronnie hugged me and held my hand.
After a few deep breaths I then said, “Okay. I guess I’m ready now.”
Before we went into the chapel, Ms. Davis explained the tribute video would begin playing once we were inside.
“If anything needs corrected, please let me know before you leave” she said with a warm smile.
Ronnie then opened the door and led me inside. Cindy followed.
I looked down the long aisle and there he was, lying in that black casket with the beautiful spray of red carnations and white carnations with black tips place on top.
“Oh, John” I cried, “Oh John.”
I sobbed so loud, I’m sure everyone in the building heard me.
He looked so handsome dressed in his fatigues.
So handsome.
When I reached his casket, I did all the things a mother would do.
I rubbed his face.
I kissed his forehead.
I touched his chest.
I fixed his collar because it wasn’t lying flat.
I held his hands.
I said I love you a million times.
I said “I’m so sorry” a million times more.
“Why, God, Why?”
And I cried and cried.
Ronnie held me in his arms as I repeated over and over again, “I can’t believe he’s gone! I can’t believe he’s gone!”
My legs felt weak and I began to feel dizzy so I sat down.
Ronnie then stood in front of John’s casket alone and spoke to him, father to son.
I’m not sure what he said to him, but he stood there a long time, talking, wiping his face, and shaking his head in disbelief.
We still can’t believe we’re here.
Cindy stood to the right of me and was crying too. She rubbed my back, handed me some tissue and then pointed to the screen above where John lay as the tribute video began to play.
I cried ever more when I saw the very first picture with John’s death date.
I’m gutted.
“John is gone!
My son is gone!” I cried.
We then heard the music playing as each picture flashed before our eyes. It wasn’t “Gone Too Soon” as I had hoped. The thought quickly left my mind as I looked at the pictures and began to reflect on all the happy memories.
When I saw the last picture on the video of John and Kammy walking on that bridge at the end, I put my face in my hands and sobbed.
John and his daughter, Kammy
I looked at John in the casket and back up at that last picture of him holding his precious daughter’s hand.
“He’s really gone” I said, “He’s really gone.”
“It’s the end.”
We sat there with John for the next hour. Talking to him, watching the video, and reminiscing on the good times when he was alive. I wanted to sit there forever but I knew it had to end.
Ms. Davis quietly walked in to check on us and asked if we were satisfied with John and the video.
I told her “yes, you did a beautiful job.”
She then asked me to please come by her office before we leave in order to make the payment. I also need to review the program before it’s sent to the printer.
We sat there for about fifteen more minutes just looking at him.
I then stood up, walked over to his casket, and kissed him on his forehead. I noticed the area around his temple didn’t look quite right and neither did his ear.
After a deep sigh, I kissed his forehead again and said, “I’ll see you tomorrow son” as I wiped away more tears.
It’s been ten days since John’s death, and I still can’t believe my son is gone. This pain is unbearable. I’m broken in every conceivable way; mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
I told Sister Pam the only reason I’m still standing is because God is holding me up. If it weren’t for God, I would still be in bed crying non-stop.
I’m mad, sad, confused, distraught and forlorn.
Why did this have to happen to my son?
Why?
I feel so guilty because I wasn’t there to save him.
He was such a kind and gentle soul. He was an innocent victim. A senseless act of gun violence took my son away from all who love him and robbed him of his future with his eight-year-old daughter.
I’ve always hated guns and now I hate them more than ever.
John should still be here!
As much as I want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head and cry all day and night, I know I can’t do that because now I have to fight.
I’m fighting for justice for my son.
GoFundMe Update
August 6, 2024
The one bright light in all this darkness is that we reached our GoFundMe goal just in the nick of time!
In total $10,917 was donated to the fund. Another sweet angel made an offline donation to cover the remaining balance owed to the funeral home.
Let that sink in.
In less than one week, family and friends from all over the world heard our cry and answered our call by donating over $11,000.00 to lay our son to rest.
Unbelievable.
I’m so grateful for the outpouring of love and support.
I want to thank each and every one of you for your contribution, including my Moonwalker family.
As previously stated, I’m a lifelong Michael Jackson fan and have been from the moment I saw him perform with his brothers as the Jackson 5 on the Ed Sullivan show in 1969 when I was just five years old.
I’ve met many MJ fans over the year. There are fans and then there are Moonwalkers. Moonwalkers are fans who have a deep love and devotion to Michael Jackson. I am a Moonwalker.
My Moonwalkers circle branches out all over the world so when they found out my son was murdered, many donated without hesitation to help lay John to rest.
I feel so blessed.
Special Thank Youto the Following:
My sister-mom, Cindy, for all you did in setting up and operating the GoFundMe account. I appreciate you more than words can say.
AJ aka andjustice4some on X (formally known as twitter). AJ is one of the most dedicated Michael Jackson advocates I know. Sadly, she also knows the pain of losing a child, so we share sisterhood in more ways than one. As soon as she found out what happened to John, she went into overdrive and began sharing the GoFundMe link far and wide.
My Moonwalkers Stationhead Family. You are truly amazing, and I appreciate all your L.O.V.E.
My Masterlife Sisters from First Church of God
Most of all, I thank God for holding me up and providing me the strength I need during this storm.
These amazing acts of kindness have shown me there’s still some good in this world.
We met with Sister Pam this morning at my church to discuss the details about John’s funeral service.
Pam is Bishop Clarke’s sister and responsible for handling all the funerals for First Church. She’s a very gregarious woman with a great sense of humor and made me smile the moment we sat down in spite of the tremendous heartache I’m feeling right now.
She apologized for having to reschedule our meeting and expressed her sincere condolences for the death of my son. She went on to say she doesn’t know how I’m standing because if it were her son, she wouldn’t be able to get out of bed. My eyes welled with tears as I said,” It’s God.”
After a few minutes of casual conversation, I began to feel less emotional and more comfortable, so she got down to business by explaining that First Church has a standard order of service for every funeral. There would be a hymn of faith to begin the service and two additional musical selections within the program. She then asked if I knew which songs I wanted in the program and I said yes, I wanted “Blessed Assurance” as the Hymn of Faith, “I can Only Imagine” for the second musical selection and “Precious Lord” for the third. I also wanted “I’ll Fly Away” playing when John’s casket is leaving the sanctuary.
She passed me a tissue as I began to cry, and I dabbed my eyes.
I then asked who would be delivering the eulogy because I knew Bishop Clarke was on vacation the entire month of August. Although Bishop was on vacation, he took the time to call me on August 2nd to offer his condolences and pray with me. He truly loves his congregation.
Sister Pam replied “Our Youth Pastor, Rev. George Schultz will deliver the eulogy.”
I’ll be honest, while I totally understood, I was still disappointed Bishop wasn’t able to give the eulogy. His sermons are excellent, and I love how he not only preaches but also teaches within the sermon as well. He’s a very tall man with a booming voice but has such a kind and caring soul. As disappointed as I was, I knew I was still in good hands with Rev. Schultz.
It’s funny how things come into full circle. First Church of God Youth Pastor Jimmy Terry led John to Christ when he was a child . Now the current Youth Pastor will deliver the eulogy. John always thought so highly of Pastor Jimmy and his wife Joyce. Sister Joyce was our beautiful Minister of music and had the voice of an angel. John had a crush on her when he was a teenager. Whenever I would tease him about it, he would blush and say “Moooommm, stop it.”
In the middle of the meeting, I saw our associate pastor, Rev. Kelley, walking by the room. He stopped and popped his head in to offer his condolences. Rev. Kelley would be presiding over the services, so he said he’ll see me in a few days.
We continued discussing the program. She gave me the repast information for after the service which would be held at the church. Next on the list were the pictures.
“Were you able to give the pictures to the funeral home for the video tribute?” She asked
“Yes, I replied, but the song I want to accompany the video isn’t on the list.”
“Oh, really? What song is it?”
I began to explain I’m a lifelong Michael Jackson fan, so I wanted the song “Gone Too Soon”.
“Oh, I’ve never heard that song before. Most songs like that have copyright issues which means they cannot be played in public without permission.”
The look of disappointment was written all over my face so she continued,
“I’ll speak to our music ministry director and see what I can do. I’ll let you know as soon as I can.”
“Thank you, that song means the world to me.” I replied
Before the meeting ended, I asked if the funeral home had given them any information regarding the manner of John’s death.
She then asked, “Was John sick?”
I shook my head no, and the tears started to flow, I looked down at the table and said “John was murdered. He was an innocent victim and shot several times”
She immediately said, “Oh my God, Sister Shari. I’m so sorry.” and gave me a hug.
I just felt she needed to know.
After a few more words of condolences and encouragement, she hugged me again and said, “Be sure to check your email for confirmation about ‘Gone Too Soon’.” She said it in a tone which let me know she would find a way to make it happen.
Everyone has been so kind but all I could think about when we left was, I’ll be saying my final goodbye to John in just two days.
