September 2, 2024
John visited me in my dreams last night!
This was his first visit.
There were no words spoken, just a smile and a wave. His smile was much bigger and brighter than I’ve ever seen before. He was letting me know he’s near and he’s okay.
What I remember most besides his beautiful smile is the look in his eyes, they danced with joy.
I reached out to hug him, but he went away.
It’s okay, I know he’ll visit again. Maybe, next time, he’ll sit down and stay for a while.
He knows I think of him every day and I’m so grateful he let me know he’s doing okay.
This picture is exactly what he looked like in my dream minus the backpack, he looked so happy.
My adorable little John.
I can’t wait to see you again!
My First Visit to John’s Grave
Visiting My Mom
September 6, 2024
I’m beginning to sleep a little better but still head to bed late at night only to toss and turn before finally drifting off to sleep.
John is constantly on my mind but when I woke up today, I couldn’t stop thinking about both John and my mom.
I made a little breakfast and continued to think about them. I had a strong feeling I needed to pay them a little visit today. It will be the first time visiting John’s grave since his burial on August 8th, so I thought to myself, “I can do this. It’s time to sit with John today and stop by to say hi to mommy while I’m there.”
I wanted to get there a little early because it was going to be another hot day. I think it only rained a few times in the past three months, so the grass everywhere outside looks like straw.
After getting dressed I headed to Glen Rest but stopped by Kroger to purchase a few flowers. I cannot go there empty handed, especially to visit my mom.
My mother, Viola, passed away from colon cancer in 1999 at the age of 64. It took us all by surprise because she was so healthy and by the time they discovered it, it had progressed to the advanced stage. I moved into her house to take care of her when the doctor gave us the terminal diagnosis and held her hand when she drew her last breath.
Every child believes they have the best mother in the world, but I genuinely believe I had the best. Mommy was everything to me. She was a kind, caring, and loving woman who radiated positivity. She had a passion for gardening and won several awards in neighborhood contests for the best landscaped yard. Tending to her flower garden brought her immense joy, and she often said it made her feel closer to God. My older brother, Greg, lived with her for a short while after I married and moved into my own place. Whenever I would call her, and if she were out in her garden, he would say “Hold on, Let me get her. Mom’s outside, playing in the dirt, again.”
That still makes me laugh to this day.
So, I never go to visit Mommy’s grave without bringing flowers to place in her vase.
I arrived at the store, and it took me a while to pick out the right flowers. I have the hardest time making decisions like this. The longer I stood there, the more confused I became and just decided to get a mixture of flowers that wasn’t very expensive. Mommy was also known as “Bargain Betty” and she passed it down to me.
Picking flowers for John wasn’t that difficult. He was a man and not into flowers at all. Plus, his permanent grave marker, which contains a vase, hasn’t been installed yet, so I don’t really have a place to put his flowers. I’ll just prop them up on the temporary marker.
I wanted red carnations, but they didn’t have any, so I ended up finding a small bouquet that appeared to be a light orange in color. There were plenty of pink carnations, but I immediately heard in my head,
“Don’t get me no pink carnations, mom” so I walked right on by them and went to check out.
I arrived at Glen Rest around 10:30 am which is a decent time to still catch a little coolness before the heat turns up after noon.
Mommy’s grave is in the front area of the cemetery, so it made sense to visit her first.
As I approached her grave, I noticed how brown the grass was everywhere, including around her marker. I immediately thought, “I know mommy doesn’t like this one bit. It should be a luscious green.”
I paused, bent down, and pulled out the vase in her marker. I then placed her flowers neatly inside, sat down and said,
“Hi, Mommy. I made it.”
I wiped my eyes and spoke from my heart. While I know she’s aware of how I lost John, I told her anyway. I shared stories about my adorable granddaughter and what she’s been up to these days. I continued on about Greg, Andrew and the additional great-grandchildren she has now. They truly missed out on knowing her.
“Mommy, I miss you so much,” I sobbed.
“Why can’t you still be here to help me through all this mess?” I asked as tears streamed down my face.
I ended our conversation with an apology for not visiting her more often but assured her that would change now that John is here. I kissed my fingers, touched her grave, and said, “I love you, Mommy. Please keep taking care of John until I get there.”
That wasn’t so bad but of course, I didn’t expect it to be since I’ve been visiting mommy’s grave off and on for the past 25 years.
Visiting John is going to be much harder.
Visiting John
September 6, 2024
I returned to my car and sat there for a minute. As I looked up and stared at the sky, I thought, “It’s a beautiful blue today”
I sat there a little longer, procrastinating.
I looked at John’s flowers lying in the passenger seat and said, “I really don’t want to do this.” But the voice in my head said, “You have to, you’re already here”
So, I put the gear in drive and began to head down the winding road leading to the back of the cemetery where John is laid to rest. I passed by the pond on the grounds, noticed a few ducks swimming around in small circles and thought,
“I’m so glad John is buried here.”
When I arrived at the back of the cemetery, it took me a moment to remember where John is buried. I knew it was the first plot to the right of the road but, which one? I then noticed the temporary Grave Marker sticking out of the ground with his name on it and said, “There you are.”
I’m so happy the funeral home included a temporary marker for him because when I stopped and was getting out of the car, I noticed there were several other new graves around that didn’t have any identification as to who was buried there.
I got my lawn chair out of the trunk because I planned on sitting with John for a while.
As I approached his grave, I noticed the grave right above his is of a young man not much younger than John who passed away just a year before he did. Engraved on his marker to the left of his name, is the picture of a car and to the right, the image of a hockey player which made me think, “I’m glad John has a buddy so close to him that loves cars too. I can only imagine the conversations they’re having.”
Tears immediately start flowing when I sat down at his grave and said,
“Hi son, I’m here.”
I must have cried for 30 minutes straight as I sat in silence just looking at his name on that marker.
I still can’t believe he’s here.
As time went by, I found myself rambling about everything that had happened since he was gone. I told him I missed him a thousand times and that I loved him even more. I completely forgot about the flowers, so I went to my car to get them. On my way back, I noticed a mother duck and her ducklings walking toward his grave, which made me cry even harder.
Things are so out of order.
John should still be here with me.
