Category: Grief and Loss

October 21, 2024

Today is my birthday but I don’t feel much like celebrating, so instead, I’ve been sitting here in quiet contemplation. I’m thinking about my life, thinking about John. Thinking about losing him and thinking about the promises I made as I stood at his casket looking down on him for the last time.

I said, “I love you son. I promise to find purpose in this pain and will forever say your name. Your death is not in vain.”

I kept thinking “I promise to find purpose in this pain and your death is not in vain” over and over again.

This pain is deep. What kind of purpose could I possibly get from this?

I picked up the folder containing all the materials related to John’s death and pulled out the packet from the prosecutor’s office, which included information about support groups. I noticed the name of the first support group, “Parents of Murdered Children,” which I had attended last month. A wave of embarrassment washed over me as I recalled how I had abruptly left that meeting, bolting out like a cannonball and bursting into tears.

That was my first and last meeting.

I sighed and thought “I wasn’t ready then so what makes me think I’m ready now?”

But the next group under Homicide jumped out at me;

Mothers of Murdered Columbus Children

Hmmmmm, dare I try this again?

There was a website listed so I decided to pay it a visit.

When the site fully loaded, I saw five beautiful women dressed in… fatigues!

I instantly got chills.

John always wore fatigues and that’s what we chose to bury him in.

Chills

I then read the mission for this organization

“Mothers of Murdered Columbus Children is a non-profit organization focused on Light and Love. Our community is made up of mothers who’ve lost a child to violence and our supporters. We use our voice to impact the community to end the violence and reimagine the safety of our city.”

I immediately began to cry.  I don’t know why but this statement touched the core of my soul. All I could do was cry.

I was on that website for several hours reading every single word and looking at every single picture.

These women were dressed in bright orange shirts with angel wings on them and fatigue pants, hats, jackets and some had on combat boots.

I came to realize that MOMCC isn’t exactly a support group per se. While it’s definitely a group of mothers who support one another, this group is based on activism.Their mission is driven by the power of prayer. They aim to end violence in our city and support the families affected by it. Their goal is to unite and focus on collaborative actions centered on crime prevention.

They are warriors fighting against violence on behalf of children that have died from violence.

If you’re just beginning in your grief journey, they will connect you to support groups that specialize in grief and when you’re ready for battle, come join them!

I’m still in the early stage of my grief but I’m driven to eventually turn my pain into purpose. I made a promise to John, and I will fulfill it.

This could be the organization for me.

So, instead of jumping in feet first and attending their events, I have decided to stick my toes in the water by joining their private Facebook group, take it slow, connect with them and see how it goes.

If it’s right for me, John will let me know.

Mothers Of Murdered Columbus Children Public Facebook Page

https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100064423311884

October 15, 2024

Some people who lose loved ones to gun violence don’t like to use the word “Triggers.”

Of course, I understand why this term is upsetting to them, but that word doesn’t upset me at all. It just makes me want to fight harder for John.

My number one trigger is receiving hearing notices, and I received another one in the mail today.

As a crime victim, the law mandates that the courts notify us by mail about every hearing related to John’s murder case. This means we receive notifications not only for the hearings involving Miller the Killer but also for the other individual charged in connection with John’s murder

Their hearings are held separately so that means we have a constant stream of notices delivered to our home.

We don’t need to attend these hearings right now. They’re part of the judicial process where the judge, prosecutors, and defense attorneys meet to handle the legal details of the case, which I refer to as “legal mumbo jumbo.”.’ We’ll be required to be present at these hearings when it gets closer to the trial.

Every time I receive a hearing notice, I’m reminded of that relentless pounding on our front door in the early hours of July 29th, when the detective informed us that John had been murded.

Each time I get a hearing notice; my son dies all over again.

October 11, 2024

“And such is our duty toward the child to give a ray of light and to go on our way”

~Maria Montessori

Children are a blessing from God. They are a gift, and we should cherish them as such, always remembering, our children are not our own.

They belong to God.

In my excruciating grief, I have to keep reminding myself I fulfilled my obligation to John by giving him a ray of light while he was here.

He is with his maker as intended.

My mind knows this, but someone please tell this to my heart.

October 6, 2024

Sudden death not only leaves you with a lot of grief but also a lot of guilt.

I can’t stop thinking about that horrible day John died and what I could have done to stop it from happening.

John,

I wish you truly knew how much I love you.

I wish I could have said good-bye

I wish I could have rescued you.

I wish I could turn back the hands of time.

October 2, 2024

When trying to comprehend the immense loss of your child, and facing so many things at once, you just want to curl up in a ball and cry.

But you can’t because there’s too many things that need to be done especially when your child has been murdered.

While I was in the midst of planning John’s funeral, my cousin informed me about the Ohio Victims Crime Compensation Program. She suggested that I file a claim since John was a victim of homicide. She emphasized the importance of filing as soon as possible because she understood that we didn’t have the funds to cover John’s funeral expenses, and this program includes those costs.

I went online and tried to start the claim but wasn’t able to do so.

Firstly, I realized I wasn’t mentally prepared to do it, and I soon discovered that it’s a reimbursement process rather than a fund that pays expenses upfront.The GoFundMe was covering John’s immediate funeral expenses, so I decided to set this aside and revisit it later.

Today is the day.

I’m still in the midst of my grief but the claim needs to be filed.

I revisited the site and read the instructions.

Since John was the victim of a homicide and was not married, we, his parents, are also considered victims. As victims, we are eligible to receive compensation through the Ohio Victims of Crime Compensation Program. This program covers various expenses, including:

1. Funeral and burial expenses
2. Wages lost due to the crime
3. Counseling for family members of homicide victims
4. Travel expenses for family members to attend court
5. Financial support for dependents of a deceased victim

To file a claim, you need to gather documentation to support it and navigate several different processes. I sighed and thought, “More responsibilities to add to my plate.”While I truly appreciate that Ohio has this program, I must admit that when engulfed in grief, handling practical matters is the last thing on your mind.

But someone has to do it.

And that someone is me.

Since I couldn’t fully understand what I was reading, I looked in the booklet from the Prosecutor’s office for someone I could contact for assistance.

I located the phone number for the Ohio Victims of Crime Compensation Program and gave them a call. The woman who answered my call was very nice and gave me a few attorneys to call for assistance.

The first two on the list no longer assist victims with filing claims.

The third one I called was an older gentleman who was very direct.

“You must truly be a victim of a covered crime to file a claim,” he said curtly.

“We are. Our son was murdered.” I replied.

He changed his tone immediately and said he would be happy to help me.

I was informed that the fund has a limit of $7,500, and that it includes costs such as funeral expenses, burial expenses (including John’s clothes and grave marker), loss of wages, travel expenses for the family, and food. I should gather all receipts and documentation together and email everything to him. He would then file the claim on my behalf. But before doing so, I needed to fill out some paperwork and return it to him.

“What’s your email address”? He asked.

I gave him my email address and he said he would send me the paperwork after we hung up.

I thanked him, said goodbye and waited.

It’s never-ending but I have to do what needs to be done. The money raised from the GoFundMe was used for John’s funeral expenses and I still need to get his grave marker.

I received the email shortly after our conversation. In it, he also said he would need a copy of Johns birth certificate which is something I’ve procrastinated to get.

I guess I have no choice now. While I’m at it, I’ll order John’s autopsy too.

“God,” I prayed, “Please give me the strength to handle all of this and to read his autopsy report when it comes.”

It was another night full of tears.

September 30, 2024

Missing my son terribly today. The dark sky and rain outside represent my mood and tears. I miss him so much.

The UPS driver just knocked on my door and I received another unexpected and thoughtful gift just when I needed it most.

The box contained two items; a beautiful wooden wind chime that I’ll hang on my back porch,

I’ll hang this beautiful picture on my Family room wall above the photo display I made especially for John.

I just can’t do it today.

Such kind gestures really are appreciated despite my gloomy mood.

Thank you, Michelle.

September 25, 2024

The support I’m getting from my online Facebook group, “Grieving Parents Leaning On Each Other,” has been wonderful. However, I think it might be time to seek some additional in-person support as well. I pulled out the booklet I received from the prosecutor’s office and noticed it lists several grief support groups. One group that caught my eye is “Parents of Murdered Children,” so I decided to give them a try.

I sent an email to the coordinator for more information and received a quick reply which stated, the group meets on the last Wednesday of each month, and I am more than welcome to attend tonight. Today just happens to be the “National Day of Remembrance for Murdered Victims,” so I could bring a picture of John with me if I wanted. I grabbed my favorite picture and headed out the door.

Upon my arrival, I was warmly welcomed, and everyone was incredibly kind. However, I felt very emotional and uncomfortable—not because of those around me, but due to my own feelings. The pain is still very deep. Since today is the ‘National Day of Remembrance for Murdered Victims,’ we were invited to place pictures of our loved ones on the table. When it was time, we were to approach the picture, say their name, and light a candle in their memory.

When it was my turn, I went to the table, lit John’s candle, whispered his name and quickly sat down.

I cried so hard; I couldn’t speak for the rest of the night.

When it was over, I grabbed John’s picture from the table and practically ran out the door. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

On the way home I had to pull over a few times because I couldn’t stop crying.

When I walked in the door, Ronnie asked “So, how did it go.”

“Overwhelming and way too much” I said.

He hugged me and said he was sorry.

After the embrace, I went upstairs, washed my face, got in bed and cried myself to sleep.

It was definitely too much too soon.

September 24, 2024

Today FB accepted my request to memorialize my son, John’s, page.

He wasn’t much of a social media buff but it’s a small piece of him that will remain here with me and with us forever.

Gone but never forgotten

We love you, John.

September 18, 2024

It angers me to no end what has been taken from us, especially from my adorable granddaughter who has lost her father.

I saw this poem on my Facebook timeline, and it brought comfort to me.

While my granddaughter, Kammy, has the most amazing mom and I thank God for her every day, I have to remember John is always watching over his beautiful daughter no matter where he is.

A Father’s Watchful Eye

From heaven’s gate, I see you grow,

With every step, my heart does glow.

Though distance keeps us far apart,

You’re always here within my heart.

I watch you laugh, I see you cry,

In every tear, I’m standing by.

Your joys, your pains, I feel them too,

For every moment, I’m with you.

The stars at night, they shine so bright,

A father’s love, a guiding light.

In dreams, I whisper soft and clear,

“My darling girl, I’m always near.”

So live your life with courage bold,

And know my love will never fold.

From heaven’s height, I watch with pride,

My precious daughter, my heart’s guide.

September 11, 2024

I’m very grateful for those who have expressed their condolences and continue to check on me. There have also been many that don’t contact me at all.

I received a text from my niece apologizing for not reaching out to me.

I told her, “That’s okay.”

She went on to explain the reason why is because she doesn’t know what to say.

I thanked her for being honest and assured her I understood. “It’s a very difficult topic to approach.”

You see, death alone is hard to discuss. The loss of a child is even harder. But when your child dies as a result of murder, people really don’t know what to say.

They look at me awkwardly and some even look away.

I don’t take offense. People sometimes just don’t know what to say so rather than say something wrong, they don’t say anything at all and that’s okay. What I need is to find somewhere to go where there are parents just like me. Parents who understand the pain I feel and are able to talk about it without the awkwardness that comes along with this topic. At this point, it doesn’t have to be parents who have lost their child to murder. I just want to find somewhere that has parents who have lost a child, period.

No sooner had I thought this, than my prayer was answered.

I frequent the social media platform, X, and was invited by a wonderful, spunky, kindhearted woman named Kaye Steinsapir, to join her private Facebook Group called, Grieving Parents Leaning on Each Other. I joined the group and with my first post I have had such wonderful responses. These parents get it, and it feels so good to communicate with people who know and understand my pain.

Kaye tragically lost her 12-year-old daughter, Molly, due to a bicycle accident in February 2021. She understands my pain and lovingly donated to my GoFundMe which helped me lay John to rest.

This is my first step in reaching out to others for help as I continue to travel on my grief journey and this group is providing the support I desperately need.

If you’ve lost a child, I encourage you to join Grieving Parents Leaning on Each Other on Facebook. Everything shared in the group is strictly confidential.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/3566953590199812

Kaye has founded a non-profit organization in honor of her beautiful daughter Molly; The Molly Steinsapir Foundation. The Foundation’s purpose is to advance charitable causes that Molly cared deeply about including, among other things, children, animals, and the environment.

Donations are welcome

https://mollysteinsapir.com/pages/about-the-foundation

Kaye has founded a non-profit organization in honor of her beautiful daughter Molly; The Molly Steinsapir Foundation. The Foundation’s purpose is to advance charitable causes that Molly cared deeply about including, among other things, children, animals, and the environment.

Donations are welcome

https://mollysteinsapir.com/pages/about-the-foundation