I haven’t been writing very much since Thanksgiving. I usually try to write something every day but haven’t had the mental strength to do it.
My first major holiday without John was rough. My sister-mom always tells me to give myself grace.
“You are way too hard on yourself, Shari”, she always says.
My mom used to say the same thing.
I guess that’s why I call Cindy, my sister-mom.
I know I should be more forgiving of myself when I’m struggling, and boy am I struggling right now.
But it’s so hard.
The most difficult part for me on this roller coaster ride called grief, is regret. There were warning signs leading to John’s murder, but I didn’t take them as seriously as I should have. Living with his girlfriend had always been chaotic. One minute they’re up. The next minute they’re down. Then for a time it would be smooth sailing. Until the next tsunami.
I had no idea who this eighteen-year-old kid was when he entered onto the scene, but I do remember him entering because that’s when things began to get much worse. There were two occasions when John had to come back to our house because of trouble with that kid. John did not want him around but that didn’t stop him from coming, or from her allowing him in that house. I will speak the truth from my point of view and if people don’t like it, that’s their problem. This blog is about my personal experience as I tried to deal and heal from my son’s murder.
I was the one who saw knots on my son’s head from altercations with Miller the Killer several weeks before he was. John had a RIGHT to say who he wanted coming in and out of his house and his stance shouldn’t have been ignored. It was totally disrespectful to him as a man. She should have LISTENED to him.
I tried to stay out of his business. John was no longer a child. He was a man now, and in his late twenties. There comes a time when a mother has to step back and let her son become the man he’s meant to be. That’s what I was trying to do the last several years of John’s life.
Had I known stepping back would result in him no longer being here, I would’ve stepped right back in.
After last week all I wanted to do was stay home in bed and cry all day. As a matter of fact, that’s what I’ve been doing.
My Brother-in-law decided to have Thanksgiving dinner at his house this year. My husband wanted to go; I told him I wanted to stay home. He thought being around family would help me. I thought being in my bed would help me more. But with a little coaxing, I decided to go.
My family-in-love was great. They tried their best to include me in the conversation to help me feel better. I tried to stay on track. The food was delicious. I ate what I could.
I am thankful for all their effort and truly felt loved. The most challenging part for me was watching all the interactions between parents and children. It was a clear reminder that there will be no more parent-child reactions for John and me.
We met with our prosecution team today, which includes two highly experienced female attorneys. They first gave their condolences and had so much compassion for us. I really like them.
We then began the meeting which was very emotional. So much information was given, I had to keep asking them to repeat what they said which they did in such a kind and respectful way.
Of course, I can’t share the details of our discussion, but I feel extremely confident they will get justice for John. They kept stressing they are hear for him and that’s what’s most important. They feel case is very strong. The only question is how much time will be served.
I told them we received John’s autopsy and know his injuries. They shook their heads and apologized with compassionate eyes.
The fact that the death penalty is not applicable in this case is acceptable to me because I am not in favor of the death penalty. The act of taking the life of someone who has taken the life of another has never been a right thing for me. Even though my son was killed, I still hold onto my belief. I want Miller the Killer to spend the rest of his life in prison, not only thinking about what he did to my son, but also his entire family. We have no choice but to live without him now.
They concluded the meeting by stating that they need to meet with the Defense to discuss the case together. They will schedule a follow-up meeting with us to provide an update after that has been done.
Since joining the Mothers of Murdered Columbus Children private Facebook group, I’ve found it to be a wonderful organization. This organization not only aims to prevent murders in our city, but it also provides support to mothers like me who have lost a child to violence.
While some posts can inspire, uplift, and provide community information about workshops, food drives, and fundraisers, others can be quite emotional. To bring about change, they must include tear-jerker posts when reporting facts about violence happening in our city.
As I was scrolling through the page, today’s post caught my attention and made my heart skip a beat. This post comes from the public MOMCC social media page, so it is acceptable to share outside the group.
It caught my attention because for the first time I saw my son, as a statistic. John is included in the total number of murders for the month of July 2024.
Let me say this again. On July 28, 2024, John became a homicide statistic.
I never really thought about that until I saw the total number of monthly homicides in written format.
That’s something a mother NEVER wants to have to see or say.
Although my blog is about my son’s death, I understand that it’s a very painful experience regardless of who dies. You may have lost your mother, father, husband, wife, sibling or grandparent.
In addition to losing my son, I have also lost both of my parents, my grandparents, most of my aunts and uncles, and some cousins. Please know that I understand your pain as deeply as my own.
No matter who it is or how they passed away, my heart goes out to those who have lost a loved one and are navigating their own grief journey.
I am sure that loss brings both pain and change. It leads to changes in how you feel, how you look, how you think, and what you do.
I have faced many significant losses in life, but the loss of John has profoundly affected me, and not in a positive way.
I am changed.
The First 48
One of the major changes in my life since John was murdered has been what I watch on television.
I’ve always loved true crime shows. The First 48 is my favorite, followed by, After The First 48, 20/20, Forensic Files and Dateline. I would never miss an episode and would watch the all-day marathons of The First 48 whenever they aired.
My children would always ask me why I watched such depressing shows about people being murdered. They just didn’t get it.
I would say ‘I’m not watching it because of the murders. While that aspect makes me very sad, I watch it for the investigation process. I love seeing crimes solved and justice served not only for the victim but also for the victim’s family. As a matter of fact, I always wanted to help people just like that and regret that I never followed my heart.”
They both would say, “It’s still too creepy for me.”
And leave the room, which is totally okay, especially for a child.
It goes without saying that that has changed.I haven’t watched The First 48 since July 26, two days before John was murdered, and I’m not sure if I will ever watch it again. I also haven’t watched any other crime shows that involve murder, disappearances, or other sensitive topics. I don’t plan to because it hurts too much right now.
Watching numerous first-48 episodes has provided me with valuable insight into the investigative process. While I had many questions when the detectives delivered the tragic news of John’s death, I understood why they could only share so much. I’m thankful that Miller the Killer was arrested and incarcerated within hours of killing John. My heart goes out to all families of murdered victims whose offender is still out there running free. That has to be pure agony for them.
I hope that all of them will be captured and imprisoned too.
Pawn Shops
John loved Pawn Shops.
I now avoid driving by the Pawn Shops that John frequented when he lived with us. He would go into them not only to explore everything under the sun but also to pawn whatever he had lying around the house, especially when he was short on cash, until his next paycheck. I jokingly called him “THEE Pawn King.”
As a matter of fact, I received a pawn ticket for John in the mail last month. He hasn’t lived here for five years, so of course seeing this little card make its way to our house brought tears to my eyes and a little smile on my face.
I figured it was another way of John saying “Hi”
*Be open to receiving messages from the other side*
I don’t have the heart or strength to call the pawn shop and inform them that John has died. Instead, I tucked the card in my “John” folder and will keep it right by my side.
Cars
John was a car fanatic. His childhood fascination with Hot Wheels evolved into a passion for larger toys in adulthood. At one time, John would change cars like a person changes socks. It seemed like every other month, John would bring home a different car because he liked this one better than the others.. As I said before, most of the time John had the attention span of a gnat. He didn’t stick with things for very long. That was my John, marching to the beat of his own drum.
Ronnie has a collection of small cars that John loved as a child, neatly lined up on the basement windowsill, which he looks at every day. But I can’t look at them without breaking down in tears, so I turn and look away.
His solace is my sadness
John and his little cars
Perhaps one day I will be able to watch my favorite shows again, visit Lev’s Pawn Shop to browse around, or check out John’s small car collection sitting on the basement windowsill. But for now, I find that avoiding these things is helping me. It’s giving me respite from the intense emotional pain I feel from losing my son.
I keep telling myself it’s not forever. It’s for a season.
Today I received an email from Glen Rest asking if I would like them to send me information for John’s grave marker. They were reviewing their records and noticed I haven’t selected one yet.
I immediately thought, “How appropriate, today is Halloween” but instead thanked them for following up with me and explained that payment would come from the Victim Compensation Fund so I did need them to send me the information so I can submit the pricing for review.
Glen Rest has been so kind whenever I speak to them because they know how John died. I’m sure they’re that way with all their customers. Losing anyone is hard no matter how they pass away.
A few moments later, I heard a “ding” letting me know I’ve got mail.
I didn’t open the email. I know I need to gather that information together so I can submit the cost as part of my Victims Compensation Claim, but just thinking about choosing a marker for John’s grave is starting to make me cry.
It’s been three months without you, son, and my heart continues to break.
I’ve always loved the single frame that contains school pictures of a child which displays every picture from kindergarten all the way through the senior year. Each small picture from every grade forms a circle around the large 8×10 picture of the child as a Senior in the center of the frame.
I made sure to purchase every school picture of John through the years so I could hang a frame like that on my wall once he graduated High School.
For some reason, I never purchased that frame which allowed and to this day, I don’t know why.
I did, however, make a Facebook post after John’s murder that was titled “John through the Years”. This post contained each picture of him from Kindergarten through his Senior year.
My very sweet MJ friend, Jolanda Van Der Grift, surprised me by creating this beautiful video which I will treasure forever.
