Author: Shari

November 1, 2024

Although my blog is about my son’s death, I understand that it’s a very painful experience regardless of who dies. You may have lost your mother, father, husband, wife, sibling or grandparent.

In addition to losing my son, I have also lost both of my parents, my grandparents, most of my aunts and uncles, and some cousins. Please know that I understand your pain as deeply as my own.

No matter who it is or how they passed away, my heart goes out to those who have lost a loved one and are navigating their own grief journey.

I am sure that loss brings both pain and change. It leads to changes in how you feel, how you look, how you think, and what you do.

I have faced many significant losses in life, but the loss of John has profoundly affected me, and not in a positive way.

I am changed.

The First 48

One of the major changes in my life since John was murdered has been what I watch on television.

I’ve always loved true crime shows. The First 48 is my favorite, followed by, After The First 48, 20/20, Forensic Files and Dateline. I would never miss an episode and would watch the all-day marathons of The First 48 whenever they aired.

My children would always ask me why I watched such depressing shows about people being murdered. They just didn’t get it.

I would say ‘I’m not watching it because of the murders. While that aspect makes me very sad, I watch it for the investigation process. I love seeing crimes solved and justice served not only for the victim but also for the victim’s family. As a matter of fact, I always wanted to help people just like that and regret that I never followed my heart.”

They both would say, “It’s still too creepy for me.”

And leave the room, which is totally okay, especially for a child.

It goes without saying that that has changed.I haven’t watched The First 48 since July 26, two days before John was murdered, and I’m not sure if I will ever watch it again. I also haven’t watched any other crime shows that involve murder, disappearances, or other sensitive topics. I don’t plan to because it hurts too much right now.

Watching numerous first-48 episodes has provided me with valuable insight into the investigative process. While I had many questions when the detectives delivered the tragic news of John’s death, I understood why they could only share so much. I’m thankful that Miller the Killer was arrested and incarcerated within hours of killing John. My heart goes out to all families of murdered victims whose offender is still out there running free. That has to be pure agony for them.

I hope that all of them will be captured and imprisoned too.

Pawn Shops

John loved Pawn Shops.

I now avoid driving by the Pawn Shops that John frequented when he lived with us. He would go into them not only to explore everything under the sun but also to pawn whatever he had lying around the house, especially when he was short on cash, until his next paycheck. I jokingly called him “THEE Pawn King.”

As a matter of fact, I received a pawn ticket for John in the mail last month. He hasn’t lived here for five years, so of course seeing this little card make its way to our house brought tears to my eyes and a little smile on my face.

I figured it was another way of John saying “Hi”

*Be open to receiving messages from the other side*

I don’t have the heart or strength to call the pawn shop and inform them that John has died. Instead, I tucked the card in my “John” folder and will keep it right by my side.

Cars

John was a car fanatic. His childhood fascination with Hot Wheels evolved into a passion for larger toys in adulthood. At one time, John would change cars like a person changes socks. It seemed like every other month, John would bring home a different car because he liked this one better than the others.. As I said before, most of the time John had the attention span of a gnat. He didn’t stick with things for very long. That was my John, marching to the beat of his own drum.

Ronnie has a collection of small cars that John loved as a child, neatly lined up on the basement windowsill, which he looks at every day. But I can’t look at them without breaking down in tears, so I turn and look away.

His solace is my sadness

Perhaps one day I will be able to watch my favorite shows again, visit Lev’s Pawn Shop to browse around, or check out John’s small car collection sitting on the basement windowsill. But for now, I find that avoiding these things is helping me. It’s giving me respite from the intense emotional pain I feel from losing my son.

I keep telling myself it’s not forever. It’s for a season.

What changes occurred in your life after your child died? Have you been able to resume what you used to do?

October 31, 2024

Today I received an email from Glen Rest asking if I would like them to send me information for John’s grave marker. They were reviewing their records and noticed I haven’t selected one yet.

I immediately thought, “How appropriate, today is Halloween” but instead thanked them for following up with me and explained that payment would come from the Victim Compensation Fund so I did need them to send me the information so I can submit the pricing for review.

Glen Rest has been so kind whenever I speak to them because they know how John died. I’m sure they’re that way with all their customers. Losing anyone is hard no matter how they pass away.

A few moments later, I heard a “ding” letting me know I’ve got mail.

I didn’t open the email. I know I need to gather that information together so I can submit the cost as part of my Victims Compensation Claim, but just thinking about choosing a marker for John’s grave is starting to make me cry.

I wish this was all one big trick.

October 28, 2024

It’s been three months without you, son, and my heart continues to break.

I’ve always loved the ‘School Years ‘picture frame. This frame holds twelve 2.5″ x 3.5″ School-Year Photos, representing kindergarten to the eleventh grade. These pictures form a circle around an 8’ x 10″ Graduation Picture in the center of the frame.

I made sure to purchase every school picture of John through the years so I could hang a frame like that on my wall once he graduated High School.

For some reason, I never purchased the “School Years” picture frame. To this day, I don’t know why.

I did, however, make a Facebook post after John’s murder that was titled “John through the Years”. This post contained each picture of him from Kindergarten through his Senior year.

When my very sweet MJ friend, Jolanda Van Der Grift, saw my post, she surprised me by creating this beautiful video.

I’ll treasure it forever.

Here’s my John, through the years.

I miss you John.

October 21, 2024

Today is my birthday but I don’t feel much like celebrating, so instead, I’ve been sitting here in quiet contemplation. I’m thinking about my life, thinking about John. Thinking about losing him and thinking about the promises I made as I stood at his casket looking down on him for the last time.

I said, “I love you son. I promise to find purpose in this pain and will forever say your name. Your death is not in vain.”

I kept thinking “I promise to find purpose in this pain and your death is not in vain” over and over again.

This pain is deep. What kind of purpose could I possibly get from this?

I picked up the folder containing all the materials related to John’s death and pulled out the packet from the prosecutor’s office, which included information about support groups. I noticed the name of the first support group, “Parents of Murdered Children,” which I had attended last month. A wave of embarrassment washed over me as I recalled how I had abruptly left that meeting, bolting out like a cannonball and bursting into tears.

That was my first and last meeting.

I sighed and thought “I wasn’t ready then so what makes me think I’m ready now?”

But the next group under Homicide jumped out at me;

Mothers of Murdered Columbus Children

Hmmmmm, dare I try this again?

I pulled out my laptop and entered the website in the browser. When the website fully loaded, I saw five beautiful women dressed in… fatigues!

I instantly got chills.

John always wore fatigues and that’s what we chose to bury him in.

Chills

I then read the mission for this organization

“Mothers of Murdered Columbus Children is a non-profit organization focused on Light and Love. Our community is made up of mothers who’ve lost a child to violence and our supporters. We use our voice to impact the community to end the violence and reimagine the safety of our city.”

I immediately began to cry.  I don’t know why but this statement touched the core of my soul. All I could do was cry.

I was on that website for several hours reading every single word and looking at every single picture.

I realize that MOMCC isn’t quite a support group per se. While it’s a group of mothers who support one another, this group is based on activism. Their mission is to end violence in our city and help the families affected by it. Mother’s of Murdered Columbus Children’s objective; is to unite and focus on collaborative actions centered on crime prevention.

They are warriors fighting against violence on behalf of children that have died from violence.

If you’re just beginning in your grief journey, they will connect you to support groups that specialize in grief and when you’re ready for battle, come join them!

I’m still in the early stage of my grief but I’m driven to eventually turn my pain into purpose. I made a promise to John, and I will fulfill it.

This could be the organization for me.

So, instead of jumping in feet first and attending their events, I have decided to stick my toes in the water by joining their private Facebook group, take it slow, connect with them and see how it goes.

If it’s right for me, John will let me know.

Mothers Of Murdered Columbus Children Public Facebook Page

https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100064423311884

Did you make any promises to your child after they died? Have you fulfilled them?

October 15, 2024

Some people who lose loved ones to gun violence don’t like to use the word “Triggers.”

Of course, I understand why this term is upsetting to them, but that word doesn’t upset me at all. It just makes me want to fight harder for John.

My number one trigger is receiving hearing notices, and I received another one in the mail today.

As a crime victim, the law mandates that the courts notify us by mail about every hearing related to John’s murder case. This means we receive notifications not only for the hearings involving ‘Miller the Killer’ but also for the other individual charged in connection with John’s murder

Their hearings are held separately so that means we have a constant stream of notices delivered to our home.

We don’t need to attend these hearings right now. They’re part of the judicial process. The judge, prosecutors, and defense attorneys meet to handle the legal details of the case. We’ll be required to be present at these hearings when it gets closer to the trial.

Every time I receive a hearing notice, I’m reminded of that relentless pounding on our front door in the early hours of July 29th, when the detective informed us that John had been murded.

Each time I get a hearing notice; my son dies all over again.

Is there anything that activates your grief? What do you do when that happens?

October 11, 2024

“And such is our duty toward the child to give a ray of light and to go on our way”

~Maria Montessori

Children are a blessing from God. They are a gift, and we should cherish them as such, always remembering, our children are not our own.

They belong to God.

In my excruciating grief, I have to keep reminding myself I fulfilled my obligation to John by giving him a ray of light while he was here.

He is with his maker as intended.

My mind knows this, but someone please tell this to my heart.

October 6, 2024

Sudden death not only leaves you with a lot of grief but also a lot of guilt.

I can’t stop thinking about that horrible day John died and what I could have done to stop it from happening.

John,

I wish you truly knew how much I love you.

I wish I could have said good-bye

I wish I could have rescued you.

I wish I could turn back the hands of time.

October 2, 2024

When trying to comprehend the immense loss of your child, and facing so many things at once, you just want to curl up in a ball and cry. Unfortunately you can’t afford to do that. You have a funeral to plan.

While I was in the midst of planning John’s funeral, my cousin informed me about the Ohio Victims Crime Compensation Program. She suggested that I file a claim since John was a victim of homicide. She emphasized the importance of filing as soon as possible because she understood that we didn’t have the funds to cover John’s funeral expenses, and this program includes those costs.

I went online and tried to start the claim but wasn’t able to do so.

Firstly, I realized I wasn’t mentally prepared to do it. It was so confusing, I had trouble understanding where to start. I soon discovered that it’s a reimbursement process rather than a fund that pays expenses upfront which would be of no help currently. I need access to funds right now so I can bury my son. Why don’t they issue payment now? It’s evident John died from a crime.

The GoFundMe was covering John’s immediate funeral expenses, so I decided to set this aside and revisit it later.

Today is the day.

I revisited the site and read the instructions.

Since John was the victim of a homicide and we’re his parents, we are also victims. As victims, we are eligible to receive compensation through the Ohio Victims of Crime Compensation Program. This program covers various expenses, including:

1. Funeral and burial expenses
2. Wages lost due to the crime
3. Counseling for family members of homicide victims
4. Travel expenses for family members to attend court
5. Financial support for dependents of a deceased victim

To file a claim, you need to gather documentation to support it and navigate several different processes. I sighed and thought, “More responsibilities to add to my plate.”While I truly appreciate that Ohio has this program, I must admit that when engulfed in grief, handling practical matters is the last thing on your mind.

But someone has to do it.

And that someone is me.

Since I couldn’t fully understand what I was reading, I looked in the booklet from the Prosecutor’s office for someone I could contact for assistance.

I located the phone number for the Ohio Victims of Crime Compensation Program and gave them a call. The woman who answered my call was very nice and gave me a few attorneys to call for assistance.

The first two on the list no longer assist victims with filing claims.

The third one I called was an older gentleman who was very direct.

“You must truly be a victim of a covered crime to file a claim,” he said curtly.

“We are. Our son was murdered.” I replied.

He changed his tone immediately and said he would be happy to help me.

I was informed that the fund has a limit of $7,500, and that it includes costs such as funeral expenses, burial expenses (including John’s clothes and grave marker), loss of wages, travel expenses for the family, and food. I should gather all receipts and documentation together and email everything to him. He would then file the claim on my behalf. But before doing so, I needed to fill out some paperwork and return it to him.

“What’s your email address”? He asked.

I gave him my email address and he said he would send me the paperwork after we hung up.

I thanked him, said goodbye and waited.

It’s never-ending but I’m doing what needs to be done.

I still need to get John’s grave marker.

I received the email shortly after our conversation. In it, he also said he would need a copy of Johns birth certificate which is something I’ve procrastinated to get.

I guess I have no choice now. While I’m at it, I’ll order John’s autopsy too.

“God,” I prayed, “Please give me the strength to handle all of this and to read his autopsy report when it comes.”

It was another night full of tears.

September 30, 2024

Missing my son terribly today. The dark sky and rain outside represent my mood and tears. I miss him so much.

The UPS driver just knocked on my door and I received another unexpected and thoughtful gift just when I needed it most.

The box contained two items; a beautiful wooden wind chime that I’ll hang on my back porch and a lovely family tree picture that lights up.

I’ll hang this beautiful picture on my Family room wall above the photo display I made especially for John.

I just can’t do it today.

Such kind gestures really are appreciated despite my gloomy mood.

Thank you, Michelle.

September 25, 2024

The support I’m getting from my online Facebook group, “Grieving Parents Leaning On Each Other,” has been wonderful. However, I think it might be time to seek some additional in-person support as well. I pulled out the booklet I received from the prosecutor’s office and noticed it lists several grief support groups. One group that caught my eye is “Parents of Murdered Children,” so I decided to give them a try.

I sent an email to the coordinator for more information and received a quick reply which stated, the group meets on the last Wednesday of each month, and I am more than welcome to attend tonight. Today just happens to be the “National Day of Remembrance for Murdered Victims,” so I could bring a picture of John with me if I wanted. I grabbed my favorite picture and headed out the door.

Upon my arrival, I was warmly welcomed, and everyone was incredibly kind. However, I felt very emotional and uncomfortable—not because of those around me, but due to my own feelings. The pain is still very deep. Since today is the ‘National Day of Remembrance for Murdered Victims,’ we were invited to place pictures of our loved ones on the table. When it was time, we were to approach the picture, say their name, and light a candle in their memory.

When it was my turn, I went to the table, lit John’s candle, whispered his name and quickly sat down.

I cried so hard; I couldn’t speak for the rest of the night.

When it was over, I grabbed John’s picture from the table and practically ran out the door. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

On the way home I had to pull over a few times because I couldn’t stop crying.

When I walked in the door, Ronnie asked “So, how did it go.”

“Overwhelming and way too much” I said.

He hugged me and said he was sorry.

After the embrace, I went upstairs, washed my face, got in bed and cried myself to sleep.

It was definitely too much too soon.