Author: Shari

December 15, 2024

Two steps forward. One step back.

It’s a lie in bed and cry all day Sunday.

I watched my church service online because I just didn’t feel like being around anyone today.

I miss my son.

December 8, 2024

Today is worldwide candle lighting day. Worldwide candle lighting day is observed on the second Sunday of December in remembrance for all deceased children.

Everyone all over the world is invited to light a candle for a deceased child at 7:00pm.

On December 8th, 2024, at 7:00 PM local time, as candles are lit, hundreds of thousands of people gather to commemorate and honor the memory of all children gone too soon.

I asked all of my family and friends to light a candle in memory of John. For those who have, I truly thank you.

December 5, 2024

Jesus is the reason for the Season.

I have always believed that to be true when it comes to Christmas and still do, so of course, this Christmas, I will celebrate Jesus. But I’m not planning on celebrating the commercial side of Christmas this year.

I’ve tried to get in the Christmas spirit, but the Christmas spirit is not in me.

I’m not putting up a tree.

I’m not shopping.

Christmas just doesn’t feel like Christmas.

Why would it?

My son was murdered.

I won’t get that “Merry Christmas Momma” text. Followed up by his call to see when dinner will be ready. Or be able to watch him pile his plate with food to take home.

He won’t be stopping by.

Christmas just doesn’t feel like Christmas, and I just don’t feel like celebrating.

My heart is heavy.

I’m down, defeated and depressed.

All I want to do is cry.

I really wish my mother could come down from heaven and give me a hug right now.

I need her to tell me everything will be alright.

Does anyone else feel like this?

December 3, 2024

I haven’t been writing very much since Thanksgiving. I usually try to write something every day but haven’t had the mental strength to do it.

My first major holiday without John was rough. My sister-mom always tells me to give myself grace.

“You are way too hard on yourself, Shari”, she always says.

My mom used to say the same thing.

I guess that’s why I call Cindy, my sister-mom.

I know I should be more forgiving of myself when I’m struggling, and boy am I struggling right now.

But it’s so hard.

The most difficult part for me on this roller coaster ride called grief, is regret. There were warning signs leading to John’s murder, but I didn’t take them as seriously as I should have. Living with his girlfriend had always been chaotic. One minute they’re up. The next minute they’re down. Then for a time it would be smooth sailing. Until the next tsunami.

I had no idea who this eighteen-year-old kid was when he entered onto the scene, but I do remember him entering because that’s when things began to get much worse. There were two occasions when John had to come back to our house because of trouble with that kid. John did not want him around but that didn’t stop him from coming, or from her allowing him in that house. I will speak the truth from my point of view and if people don’t like it, that’s their problem. This blog is about my personal experience as I try to deal and heal from my son’s murder.

I was the one who saw knots on my son’s head from altercations with Miller the Killer just three weeks before he was murdered. John had a RIGHT to say who he wanted coming in and out of his house and his stance shouldn’t have been ignored. It was totally disrespectful to him as a man. She should have LISTENED to him.

I tried to stay out of his business. John was no longer a child. He was a man now, and in his late twenties. There comes a time when a mother has to step back and let her son become the man he’s meant to be. That’s what I was trying to do the last several years of John’s life.

Had I known stepping back would result in him no longer being here, I would’ve stepped right back in.

I would have listened more.

I would have loved harder.

I would have rescued him.

November 28, 2024

Tears, tears and more tears.

It’s Thanksgiving Day and John isn’t here.

After last week all I wanted to do was stay home in bed and cry all day. As a matter of fact, that’s what I’ve been doing.

My Brother-in-law decided to have Thanksgiving dinner at his house this year. My husband wanted to go; I told him I wanted to stay home. He thought being around family would help me. I thought being in my bed would help me more. But with a little coaxing, I decided to go.

My family-in-love was great. They tried their best to include me in the conversation to help me feel better. I tried to stay on track. The food was delicious. I ate what I could.

I am thankful for all their effort and truly felt loved. The most challenging part for me was watching all the interactions between parents and children. It was a clear reminder that there will be no more parent-child reactions for John and me.

John is gone forever.

How am I really doing?

They say a picture is worth a thousand words

John should still be here with me.

How did you make it through your first holiday without your child?

November 25, 2024

We met with our prosecution team today, which includes two highly experienced female attorneys. They first gave their condolences and had so much compassion for us. I really like them.

We then began the meeting which was very emotional. So much information was given, I had to keep asking them to repeat what they said which they did in such a kind and respectful way.

Of course, I can’t share the details of our discussion, but I feel extremely confident they will get justice for John. They kept stressing they are hear for him and that’s what’s most important. They feel case is very strong. The only question is how much time will be served.

I told them we received John’s autopsy and know his injuries. They shook their heads and apologized with compassionate eyes.

The fact that the death penalty is not applicable in this case is acceptable to me because I am not in favor of the death penalty. The act of taking the life of someone who has taken the life of another has never been a right thing for me. Even though my son was killed, I still hold onto my belief. I want Miller the Killer to spend the rest of his life in prison, not only thinking about what he did to my son, but also his entire family. We have no choice but to live without him now.

They concluded the meeting by stating that they need to meet with the Defense to discuss the case together. They will schedule a follow-up meeting with us to provide an update after that has been done.

Justice for John.

I love you son.

November 21, 2024

The document I’ve been dreading to receive came in the mail today, John’s Autopsy Report

I can’t believe how many tears I’ve cried the past four months. My body must be working overtime to produce so many.

It took me 30 minutes to open the letter.

All I will say is I could only get past the first four lines, threw the letter on the table, ran to my bedroom, fell on the bed and cried.

“God how much more do You actually think I can bear?”

I laid on my bed and cried for three hours.

The more information I get, the more things change.

The detective said three shots.

The court reporter said five.

The autopsy states seven.

My son took seven shots when he did not deserve any!

I’m so sorry John.

I wish I could have saved you.

November 18, 2024

Caroline, our Advocate, called to inform me that the Prosecutor Team is ready for our first meeting.

The meeting is scheduled for November 25th.

I’m a nervous wreck.

Justice For John

November 12, 2024

Since July 28th, this poem has become even more meaningful to me, even though it has always been one of my favorites.

Footprints In The Sand

One night I dreamed a dream.

As I was walking along the beach with my Lord.

Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.

For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,

One belonging to me and one to my Lord.

After the last scene of my life flashed before me,

I looked back at the footprints in the sand.

I noticed that at many times along the path of my life,

especially at the very lowest and saddest times,

there was only one set of footprints.

This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it.

“Lord, you said once I decided to follow you,

You’d walk with me all the way.

But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life, there was only one set of footprints.

I don’t understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me.”

The LORD replied:

“My precious child,

I love you and I would never leave you.

During your times of trial and suffering,

when you see only one set of footprints,

it was then that I carried you.”

Who has carried you during the most difficult times of your grief journey?

November 5, 2024

Since joining the Mothers of Murdered Columbus Children private Facebook group, I’ve found it to be a wonderful organization. This organization not only aims to prevent murders in our city, but it also provides support to mothers like me who have lost a child to violence.

While some posts can inspire, uplift, and provide community information about workshops, food drives, and fundraisers, others can be quite emotional. To bring about change, they must include tear-jerker posts when reporting facts about violence happening in our city.

As I was scrolling through the page, today’s post caught my attention and made my heart skip a beat. This post comes from the public MOMCC social media page, so it is acceptable to share outside the group.

It caught my attention because for the first time I saw my son, as a statistic. John is included in the total number of murders for the month of July 2024.

Let me say this again. On July 28, 2024, John became a homicide statistic.

I never really thought about that until I saw the total number of monthly homicides in written format.

That’s something a mother NEVER wants to have to see or say.

Ever!